Thoughts

Princess now has a number of opportunities for a new job and her mood has improved accordingly.

I am now working out in the gym every other day and I am surprised how much energy I gain from this. Not only my physical, but also my mental strength seems to grow. It is much easier for me to handle the psychological ups and downs of my Princess.
At the same time, Princess is enjoying my new strength. She was the first to notice that I am much more patient and less moody since I started working out. Several times she mentioned that she is taking strength from my calm and (self-)confident behavior.

Some of you have commented, that Princess and I could take turns in leading our marriage, but as I see it now, there is little chance that this will work.

She sometimes reminds me of a little girl who needs the presence of her father to feel save. She does not want to be bossed around, she just needs to know that he is there to protect her. In his presence she can start to explore the world. But without him, she feels lost and alone.

In our bedroom things are improving as well. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, Princess enjoys a long and steady ... well ... fuck. In the past, I did not realize this, because I came far to quickly. Before she could "heat up", I was already cold again.
But now I get better and better in delaying my orgasm. I can now take her for such a long time that she is close to orgasm. Then, when I lick her she will climax almost immediately. I am not sure whether she is able to come from intercourse alone, but I can try.

Update II

I have decided to post more on my thought as I go through the day.

As I mentioned before, Princess is going through a very difficult phase. Being out of job drains a lot of her self confidence. Every evening when I come home from work, we spend one or two our just talking. With every sentence I can feel her self esteem coming back to life. This is of course encouraging, but it only last for the evening. The next day, we start from scratch. And as you can imagine, discussing the same things and the same arguments every night can become quite unnerving. I find it very difficult.

Sexually, there is no way I can demand anything from her right now. We are intimate every other day, but often it feels like she is just doing me to do me a favor. The funny thing is that mostly she initiates sex. That's why it is so difficult to tell her to relax. She then feels rejected. I am not complaining about too much sex, but I have the impression that Princess would feel better with a bit less.

There are also positive developments. A few weeks ago I started to work out in a local gym to improve my health and my body shape. I am now going three times a week. Working our, or any type of physical activity has a tremendous effect on me. I am more awake, more enthusiastic and much more balanced than before. Princess now want to start working out as well and I am sure that this will be good for her as well. First, she will get out of the house and second, regular exercise will put her mind on something new and hopefully will push her out of her lethargy.

Update

Like every other marriage, ours is progressing too. Princess is still out of job and this situation puts considerable strain on our relationship.

There is practically no other subject. Every evening, we discuss job opportunities and why this or that did not work out. For the last two month, sex has become a very minor issue. For her. But as much as I love and adore her, both my submissive and my dominant soul demand attention. Princess does need a lot of guidance and control, but in a very non-sexual way.

There are also positive signs. Last night, she told me that she is not pleased with our sex life as well. Yet at the moment she is so devoid of energy and initiative that I don't see how this will change any time soon...

In the meantime, I have started to work-out in the local gym. Lifting weights and pushing my physical boundaries helps me to relief most of my tension.

And I had the opportunity to witness a very interesting female-female conversation. We had a female friend over for dinner. she is successful in her job, but does not seem to find the right guy. Let's call her Mary. Mary is very intelligent, outgoing and lively. She knows how to handle men and how to make them play her game. I always thought that she is dominant, that she likes to control men. So while I was preparing dinner, Princess and Mary were discussing why it is so difficult to find a decent guy. Mary kept complaining that everybody she dates turns out to be very weak and that how much she desires a "real man" who is not in search for a mother.
I could understand what was happening. Her strong and self-confident behavior probably attracted submissive men and maybe amplified their submissive feelings. I guess few man are dominant enough to "fight her down". But apparently this is exactly what Mary is looking for: A man who is a match for her. A man who is at least as strong and as smart as she is.
Further along the conversation, both women had completely forgotten that I was present and they openly discussed their preferences regarding men. I learned that Mary as well as Princess actually despise submissive behavior.

Shame on me

It is interesting how our expectations determine how we perceive an event or episode in our life. I am saying this, because of the nice comments I received on my last post.
In fact, during this episode, I could not fully enjoy the beauty of the moment, because I was so occupied with my own "script" for the session. I was constantly evaluating what Princess was doing. It is like watching a great movie and some voice inside your head keeps asking "how did they do this?".

Shame on me!

In retrospect, I realize that Princess is doing everything to please me. All she needs is an occasional night off, but all I am giving her is the feeling that she is not giving me enough!

Shame on me!

Today I read S's nice list of chores and I realized that Princess is doing much of this for me! How couldn't I notice?

For example, last Sunday she took both our kids out and I had the day just for me. It was the first time in months that I had the flat and the day just for me. I cleaned up a bit and then went for a nice long tour with my bicycle. But at the moment, I did not realize that Princess had arranged this for me. The original plan was that my son went to a birthday party of a friend. But then the friend's mother asked Princess to help out. Princess could just have gone, leaving our daughter with me. Instead, she took her along as well, giving me a day off.

Later, at night, she took initiative and gave me a wonderful blow-job. It was special, because she was obviously enjoying it as much as I did. She actually told me not to direct her in any way, because she wanted to "explore her desires". And this she did thoroughly.

Just before I came, she pulled away to watch me during my most private moment. And after I had recovered a bit, she reached for the tissues and cleaned me. She did it so tenderly and full of love, like a mother cleans her baby.

Is it possible that she wants to please me and to be at my service and that I simply don't know how to handle this?
I must re-focus on her desires - not so much on what I can do for her, but rather what I can be for her.

Do with me whatever you want!

When I woke up on Friday morning, we had a first. It was the first time that Princess started a conversation about our sex live.
It started with her body grinding against mine.
Slowly I awoke from my dreams from the feeling of her butt rubbing against my erection.
She turned around, looked into my sleepy eyes and said:
"I want to apologize -
I want to apologize for rejecting you so often.
I love you so much and it hurts me to leave you unsatisfied."

I gently touched her cheeks and kissed her. "I know." I whispered.

Her hands explored my body. My chest, my belly, my back and soon her hands found their way to my penis.
Her eyes focused on me again, digging deep into me, trying to read my thoughts. Her face was thoughtful. But only for a second. Then she said:
"You can do with me whatever you want."
"Everything?" I asked
"Everything!" she confirmed, "but you must also fuck me."

I felt a flush of love and happiness. My mind raced. What should I do with such an unexpected offer.

I undressed her and lay on top of her. I felt her skin. I smelled her scent. I entered her. I took her hard and fast, because this is what she needed. And while I made love to her, I held her face in my hands, kissing her mouth, nibbling on her lips.

Princess enjoyed what I was doing.
"I love when you take me like this. I love to be in your arms when you fuck me."
Her body confirmed what she had said: She became wet. Very wet. The sensation of entering her was incredible. Like diving into a tight hot pool. I brought her knees up against her chest and reached for her behind. With my hands I cupped her butt. It was wet as well. Her liquids were everywhere. My fingers probed her anus. With ease I slid inside. Deeper than ever before. I felt myself sliding in and out of her. I inserted a second finger. Would it fit? I had never done it before. She moaned with pleasure. Hopefully, she would not wake up the kids. For a moment I thought about anal sex. But we have never done it and I was not sure that it would work right away. Too great was the danger to spoil the moment and too great was her pleasure in what I was doing now. So I decided that this is enough for today.
I fucked her with two fingers deep inside her anus. It was so great just observing her pleasure that I almost forgot about my orgasm. Finally she begged me to make her cum and as soon as my tongue touched her pussy, she did. I re-entered her before her orgasm was over. She was even wetter than before. We were soaking with sweat and love. We were panting. No longer was I observing her. My mind was finally at rest and my primal instincts took over. I was just using her to provide the friction for my pleasure. I was grunting like an animal when I exploded. Breathless I collapsed on top of her.
After a few minutes Princess said "I feel so close to you now. Why don't we do this more often?"

Back again and lost

Our long vacation is over.
It is nice to be back again.

We are back at home and at least in bed we are back in wife-led mode.
Why? Because if I get to decide when we make love, I use every conceivable moment to do it.
For Princess this was simply too much. And curiously, it was too much for me, too.
I simply don't know what to do with my power to decide. I cannot use it wisely and with measure. Instead I jump at Princess whenever it is possible. Not because I want to, but because I can.

While we were at home, following our daily schedules, this was not a problem. But on vacation, where we saw each other every day, all day long, it became too much.

After two weeks of making love at least once a day, often twice, Princess became more and more upset. We discussed the issue, no, we had an argument over it. The argument ended without clear resolution.
Despite my inability to control myself, she still wanted me to decide when we are intimate, but not too often. How much is too often? I don't know. And she doesn't know. Inevitably, she will reject me sooner or later. But if I decide, I don't want to be rejected. I can't handle rejections when I am leading. I feel hurt and humiliated. I want to crawl back into slave mode immediately.
So I decided for myself to let her decide. I watch her body language and if I am 150% sure that she is in the mood, I will take initiative.

A few days later, when things had calmed down a bit, we talked everything over again, she surprised me with the offer that I still could make love to her any time (but not too often), and that I am still free to take anytime, even against her will. So no rejections, as long as I don't approach her too often?

So here i am, confused how we go on and without clear inner directive...

Vacation

We are enjoying our yearly vacation, so I won't be posting anything for the rest of this month.

I will use the time to think about "the ways of the master" - All the things I must learn to make Princess happy.

Why I blog?

This post is a response to some comments on Susan's Pet's blog.
Why do we blog? Why do I blog?

Of course I do enjoy the weekly statistics of my blog. I love the comments. But most of all, I write for myself.

I blog, because I like to write in English, which is obviously not my mother tongue.
I blog, because writing my thoughts down helps me to stay focused.

After I write an entry, things are clearer to me than they were before, and often I feel tempted to retract the post, because suddenly everything seems much clearer and simpler.
Writing is thinking.

When I started this blog, I did not expect anybody to be interested in my musings. But when I see how many people per day stay on my blog for longer than two minutes, I feel gratified.

I love the comments, but I have noticed that the more unrefined a post is, the more comments I get. If you give all the answers, why would anybody comment at all? This encourages me to post more and polish less :-)

Depression

When I returned home, we chatted a bit and then I told her that I want to make love to her. Without hesitation, she stripped naked and we made love for a long time. It usually takes her a while to get into the "flow", but if I last long enough, I can fuck her into heaven. I can see it in her face. All tension is gone. Her face is sheer beauty.
When we were done, she fell asleep instantly, as if my absence had also deprived her of rest and sleep.

What I did not know then was that during my absence, Princess had slipped into depression. She has recently lost her job and understandably, this was a blow on her self-confidence. When I returned from home the following day, I could immediately see that Princess was deeply depressed. The apartment was a complete mess. Breakfast was still on the table and heaps of fresh laundry, waiting to be ironed were everywhere.

Princess pampered me a bit, by bringing me food and a cold beer and then went away to clean up the flat. I was upset, because I wanted some special time with my Princess. Obviously she had spent her day rather unproductive and now, when I wanted her, she was busy cleaning up. And later in bed, Princess was exhausted and wanted to sleep. She was responsive to my intimate caressing, and I could have taken her, but I was so obvious that she needed sleep, that I let her.

For the following day, I gave Princess clear instructions on how to spend her day. I made it clear that when I come home from work, I expect her undivided attention. She did not complain that I ordered her around. Rather she was accepting my orders by simple "Yes" and "I understand".

Obviously there was no reason to be nervous. Especially after her job-loss Princess wants a firm hand that guides her. A strong shoulder to lean on. She wants assurance that she is loved and the security that I take care of her.

What worries me a bit is, that she actually needs a strong partner. There is no room for me to be weak. I must be strong all the time, so she can be happy.

Life and fantasy

There is still a difference between fantasy and real life.
Last night Princess sent me an email, taking back much of what we had agreed on.
While she likes an occasional "role-play", she writes, she feels that submitting totally to me is not what she wants.
Princess thinks she is too passive in bed anyway and if she hands the reign over to me entirely, she will become even more passive.

That may indeed be. She has never been the one who starts a steamy love-making session. By now I have accepted it, but if she becomes more active, I am the last one to complain.

"Lets talk things over when you're back home" were her last words.

Tomorrow I am flying back home. Let's see what will happen. I am nervous.

One step further...

It is now almost two months since things have turned around. Two months since I am head of the house. Two months in which Princess was so eager to fulfill my wishes.

We are two submissive minds. So alike, but yet so different.

I am away from home on a business trip. Enough time to think about my marriage and my feelings. Time to think about my desire to make my wife happy. My desire to surrender my wishes so Princess can have hers.

On the plane I tried to sleep. But instead I fell into this strange state where you are neither asleep nor awake. Vivid sexual fantasies flushed my brain. Incoherent pieces of violent sex with Princess and other women. I was immersed in a world lust without limits. I was feasting in a mental "all you can fuck" buffet. I was not aware of it until I woke up. But all the time, I was strangely aware of my painful erection. It pressed hard against my belly. Its heat radiated through my entire body.

I can't remember how long I slept, but when I woke up I was soaking wet. Fortunately the seat next to me was vacant. My erection would not subside. Only then did I remembered what I had dreamed. I was shocked and confused. I went to the bathroom to restore myself. There I noticed the semen that was dripping from of my penis. I don't think I ever had such a vivid dream.

I spent the rest of the trip thinking about our marriage and I realized that I start to enjoy my role. I enjoy controlling her. I enjoy watching her. I enjoy the pleasure she gets out of being fucked. I enjoy the freedom and control over my own sexuality.

But I also realized that something is still missing. If Princess wants me to be in charge, it should be on my terms. Otherwise it does not feel right. I noticed that as soon as Princess is contradicting any of my wishes, I fall back into submissive mode. I become her servant again. It is the role that I would prefer, but that she does not like.

So if I am to be in charge, I must learn to stand my ground and she must acknowledge my authority. Princess must officially declare her surrender to me as her husband. She must empower me to be her master.

When I arrived at my hotel, I wrote a long email to Princess, essentially writing what I have written here. I told her that I enjoyed the current state, but that I feel unsure how we should continue. Carefully I asked her if she would like to be my "property". If she would be willing to obey my orders, to serve me and to treat me respectfully as her owner. In return I offered her to take full responsibility for her well being.

I read the mail once more and realized how self centered it was. A long list of her duties, what she must do for me without complaint, and how she must demonstrate her submission to me in everyday life. I thought it over. I deleted the mail. Retrieved it again. Thought once more and decided that this is what Princess wants.

After I had sent the mail, I was anxious for her reply. I knew that she does not check her private mail regularly, maybe once a day.
I found her response the next morning. It was short:
"Since you are in charge I am much happier that before. I would love to be your property. You are my life!"

I can't properly describe my first reaction to her clear message. I expected a long letter of mixed statements. The best words to describe my feelings are love and responsibility.

So we are entering a new stage. I am not sure how much of this will work out. And I am also nervous. Will I live up to my part of the promise. Will Princess will keep her part of the deal when we are back in the daily routine?

Right now I am very proud and enjoy my role - more than I expected. For all my friends who try to establish a WLM, this my be encouraging.
Domination can be fun. To see and experience how Princess enjoys it, it is deeply satisfying for me. It makes me proud to serve her this way.

Self-control

The last weeks have been very hard for Princess. She was working long hours and did not sleep very well at night. I decided to give her some rest.
Last night, Princess was still very tired, but she felt obliged to give me at least a hand job. I really appreciate her eagerness to please me, but I decided that is is better for her to sleep.
She thanked me and fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning, we woke up before the alarm clock and we used the time to cuddle and caress each other. She enjoyed it very much and proposed that we make love before we get up.
As a foreplay, I went down on her. Princess enjoyed my attention and moved her hips and pelvis to guide my tongue to the right places.
After a while she reminded me that I should stop now if we still want to make love. If I continue, she will come, but there won't be any more time for making love. If we make love now, I will come, but there won't be anymore time for her pleasure. Her orgasm or mine. I decided for hers.

Princess soon rewarded me with a strong orgasm. Then she relaxed. All the signs of stress and tension were gone from her face. She was calm and beautiful.
I didn't have an orgasm. I still enjoy my arousal which has not lost its intensity.

Self control is difficult, but it gives you pride and self confidence.
I know now that I can control both of us for our mutual pleasure.

You must learn to trust me

Last night we were lying in bed and Princess started to touch me. I was very aroused. First, because I did not have an orgasms for some time.
But mostly, because she wanted to please me, although she was tired.

I gently stroke her back while she was in my arms.
"You are my little sex toy" I whispered in her ear.
Usually, she responds something affirmative, but not tonight.
She said: "Urmel, tonight I am too tired and exhausted for this kind of games."

-- Ouch!

This turned me off. Although she continued to stimulate me, I did not want to come anymore. I though, if I let her continue, she is ruling and not me. She would not want that. If I come now, my orgasm is wasted. It will be rushed. Neither of us will enjoy it.
Moreover, I thought, if she is not interested in the role she chose for herself, there is no point in going any further.
I had lost all interest in making love and with it my erection.

Princess noticed that I was suddenly limp as a wet cloth and she asked if anything was wrong.
"What you have just said really turned me off. I think we better stop." I answered.

"I am sorry. I am just very tired."

"I will not use you, when you are exhausted like this. If you want me to be in charge, you must learn to trust me. Sleep now!"

She thanked me, kissed me good night and fell asleep at once.

I am glad and proud that I said no although I could have had it. I said no, because I knew it would not be good. Only good sex is the key to more and better sex.

I am responsible that we only have sex when we both enjoy it. Otherwise, we will fall back into old patterns, where Princess perceived sex as a burden.

When we woke up next morning, we were both relaxed and really enjoyed our intimacy.

Our reversal of roles

For the last weeks, I am the head of the bedroom. I decide when we have sex. I decide how we have sex. Whatever I decide, Princess is very eager to please me. You can imagine that we have had a lot of sex lately.

What I don't understand so far is why this works. In the past, we often quarreled about sex. She complained that it was too much. Now we have even more sex and seems very happy with my high sex drive. Suddenly she is so eager to pleasure me that I can't believe it. Why?

Maybe it was our WLM experiment that changed her mind. Maybe my confessions made her think about her own desires. I thought that she wanted to be in control; that she wanted to decide when and how we have sex. Probably my wishes were father of the thought, who knows, but in the end I was wrong. Our WLM experiment lasted only four months. Princess did not like it.

Maybe there is another reason as well. In the past, I was always very polite when it came to sex: "Would you like to make love?" or "Would you like blow me?". I was very defensive. And the more problems we had, the more defensive and I became.
"Please let us make love."
In the end I was begging more than anything else. And the more I begged, the less sex we had. I guess she was simply put off by this. The problem was not the amount of sex, but the amount of begging.

Recently Princess told me that in bed she doesn't want to be asked. So now I just tell her what I want: "Tonight I will use you" or "Suck me until I come." She seems to get most of her satisfaction from giving me pleasure. Of course I must make sure that she gets what she needs. But I must be very subtle, because she doesn't want me to do something for her pleasure only. She needs the feeling that I take her for my pleasure only. If I ask her whether she likes what we are doing, I destroy this feeling.
Princess needs to be fucked. I know that now. So I fuck her often. Much more often than before and much harder than before.

Princess has become my sex toy and she tells me she loves it. But like with every toy, I must take care not to break it. I am responsible for her and she trusts me. Being responsible means that I must put her well being before my mine. If she is too tired, I must decide that we won't have sex, even if I wanted it. Being responsible means that I know her well enough to know her limits. I can push these limits, but I must know where to stop. I must also decide when we don't have sex and these are the most difficult decisions. Self-control and patience are not my virtues. She makes it easy to control her, but is much harder to control myself.

Behind the wheel

My little girl
Drive anywhere
Do what you want
I don't care

Tonight
I'm in the hands of fate
I hand myself
Over on a plate

Now

Oh little girl
There are times when I feel
I rather not be
The one behind the wheel

Come
Pull my strings
Watch me move
I do anything

Please

Sweet little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
And me the passenger

Drive
I'm yours to keep
Do what you want
I'm going cheap

Tonight

You're behind the wheel, tonight

- Depeche Mode -

Quiz result

Just for fun, I took the BDSM Quiz today. Here is the result. It seems there is hope. According to the analysis I am as much dominant than I am submissive. Good to know I thought.

Watching or being watched is an arousing notion to you. There are many reasons why people enjoy this fetish. Being uncomfortable. Feeling guilty. Appreciation. For some it could simply be sex in public because there is a fear of getting caught. Either way, it turns you on. The best venue for this would be group sex. If you enjoy watching you would be considered a voyeur. If you would rather be watched you are an exhibitionist. Although, most of the time, both fetishes go hand-in-hand.

Exhibitionist / Voyeur		93%
Experimental		86%
Sadist		86%
Degradation Lover		82%
Switch		79%
Dominant		79%
Bondage		75%
Submissive		68%
Masochist		61%
Vanilla		11%

We will never live a wife-led marriage

I have not posted for some time. In fact I was not sure whether I should continue this blog.

I started this blog to sort out my thoughts and to write about my attempt to transform my marriage into a wife led marriage. Writing helped me, but your comments and advice helped me even more. They helped me through periods of doubt and encouraged me to continue. I am very grateful for that.

A wife-led marriage is my dream. I want to show my love and devotion by submitting to the woman I love. It excites me. It arouses me. It stirs something deep inside me. I wished Princess would rule and guide me.

But as strong as this wish may be, I don't depend on it. I am strong enough to live my live without being guided and controlled.

This is where Princess and I differ. During our short wife-led period, we have discovered that Princess needs my emotional strength. She needs my guidance and support. Without it, she says, she won't be able to live her life. It no sexual desire, it is an emotional need. She is weaker than I am. I don't need force to break her, she does it on her own. So I must re-build her every day. My optimism and my emotional strength fuel her well-being. If I withdraw it from her, she suffers.

I have accepted that we will never live a wife-led marriage. My mission has changed. I must lead. I must be strong. But though I may have lost a battle, we are winning a war. Our marriage has grown stronger and our love is deeper than before.

Maybe this is reason enough to continue this blog...

Her Master's Voice

I think it is established now, that my wife is at least as submissive as I am. In bed, she wants to be dominated. She wants to be used. She wants to be forced.

For me this is a difficult situation for I am submissive as well. But when Princess feels better this way, I will do as she wishes. It is my mission to serve her and to make her happy, even if it means to change my role from bottom to top.

I asked Princess what she wants.
"I prefer to be your slave, rather than the other way around"

So I became her master. Her conscious and careful master. I watch her even more than before, to understand her moods and anticipate her desires. Then I act. And when I act, I won't let her stop me. I do what I determined to do.

Her reaction was amazing. I can't remember the last time we had so much passionate sex in a week. But every time, I made sure that I was not carried away by my own desires. I made sure that I cater the needs of my Princess as well. She does not need an orgasm each time, but she needs to be fucked, hard and long. She needs to feel me in her and on top of her. Then she'll be wax in my hands and obey to whatever I command.

One night, I decided that we don't have sex. I wanted to give her a rest. I was in bed reading, when Princess came in. She was tired from a long day at work. It was obvious. But she was a good girl and undressed entirely, and joined me in bed. Ready to be used. I put my arm around her and told her to sleep. She thanked me and we cuddled and talked.
I whispered in her ear that she is now my property and that she exists solely for my pleasure. She pressed her naked body against mine and started to touch me. It was a wonderful gesture of devotion.
"Take me in your mouth and suck me!" I commanded. She obeyed. She took me deep into her mouth and sucked me with passionately. After I while, she sat up and massaged my wet cock. I could feel my orgasm coming.
"Suck me, until I come in your mouth" I ordered and immediately she took me in her mouth again. When I came soon after that, she continued licking, slowly and gentle.
"Good girl" I said. There was no question that apart from my orgasm this was her only reward.

When we make love, it turns me on to be dominant and forceful. But outside the bedroom I find it difficult to keep up Her Master's Voice.

This week I was reminded again and again on At All Times' post from a while ago.
How hard can it be?
How hard can it be to put on a dominant tone?
How hard can it be to order instead of asking?

It is difficult. Very difficult. I've tried.

It is difficult, because our emotions result from what we do. The psychologist William James formulated this idea over 100 years ago.
Our emotions follow our actions rather than the other way around.
We don't smile because we are happy, but we are happy, because we smile.
We don't cry and tremble, because we are sad, but we are sad because we cry and tremble.
Try it out. Smile and you will feel immediately feel happier.

When I am kind and affectionate to Princess, I feel good. I feel love and I feel lust. But when I boss her around and when I put on a strict and unfriendly voice, my emotions change according to what I am doing. I start to feel the way I behave. I don't feel good anymore. I don't feel erotic. It turns me off.

I think it is a good exercise for all submissive men to switch roles once in a while. In particular, when you cannot understand why your wife is not doing to you what you desire and wish for. Just try it out for one week. For me this week was an eye-opener. I now understand why my wife refused to be more demanding, forceful and, well, unfriendly to me. Unless you are in a sexual mood, it simply drags you down.

Subbing from the top

In my previous posts I have mentioned, that our sex life has been a bit dormant lately. Mainly because Princess has been working so much that she was too exhausted for nearly everything.

Well, last Friday I again expected a quiet night. I was kneeling in bed next to princess, gently caressing her back. She had closed her eyes and slowly drifted away, obviously enjoying my touch. And I was content as well, because I could please my Princess. In a second, she would turn around, kiss me good night, and fall asleep. Tomorrow morning she would weak up, relaxed and awake, and we would make passionate love for the first time in days.

Then, to my surprise, I felt her hand on my penis, lightly stroking me through my underwear. Within seconds I was hard. I undressed and straddled her, so that she could access me better. It was heaven and very excited.

She masturbated me with slow, but steady strokes, her other hand firmly cupping my balls. She knew how excited I was and increased her pace. I tried to relax, so that I don't come to early, but after two more stokes, I could not hold back any longer. Just a minute after she started, I had to concede. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the force of my orgasm.
When I opened my eyes again, I was surprised by the amount of cum on her chest.

After I cleaned up, she put her head on my chest. I felt the need to apologize, because I came so quickly and that I did not service her in any way.

"Don't be sorry," she said, "I love it when you can't control yourself. And I love when you come on me".
There it was again. Does she want me to dominate her? I did not comment on this, but enjoyed the moment of love and closeness. I gently caressed her while I relaxed.
But Princess was now awake and wanted to talk. So we talked. We talked about our days at work, the kids, well, we talked about everything.

Eventually our conversation turned back to sex, or rather the recent lack of it. Princess stressed how much she suffers when we don't make love often enough. And she thanked me for being so patient. I took this opportunity to see if she wants me to take more initiative, because she has mentioned this a couple of times. So I said "I missed you as well, in fact I was having rape fantasies." Maybe this was a bit drastic, but I wanted to probe how dominant she would like me to be. I expected her to scold me for being so inconsiderate and tasteless.

But instead, she smiled and said "So next time rape me!"
"Are you serious?", I inquired
"Yes, next time you are horny, don't listen to me, just take me and fuck me."
"Ok", I said.
And then we made love. Long and passionately. Since I had just cum, I lasted long. I fucked her hard, for I knew that she wanted it and needed it.
When I finally came, she held me very tight, her fingers digging deep into my flesh.

I was sure that Princess now wanted me to pleasure her as well, but she denied and said she was fully satisfied and ready to sleep. So we did.

The rest of the weekend was different from the previous ones. Princess did not boss me around . No orders. No commands. Instead, she was very eager to do her share of the household chores. We made love several times more, in the mornings and in the evenings, making up for the lost opportunities.

Sexually, it was a very satisfying weekend, but I feel that we are moving away from a wife-led marriage towards the opposite. Princess is subbing from the top so to speak, and I am not sure how to react. Maybe I am a switch, maybe it is easier to change myself, then it is to change her....

But am I prepared to play the dominant role?

Confused

I am a bit confused at the moment by the way things develop in our marriage. There is progress both inside and outside the bedroom.

In daily life, Princess is getting more and more dominant. By now she is constantly bossing me around. She expects me to take care of the kids and the house without being asked. No more polite phrases. Just orders. Friendly, but direct. And she scolds me whenever she is displeased with my performance. Immediately, without any consideration that she may hurt my feelings.

Even when we have visitors, she instructs me to serve her and our guest. Even when I have guests, she will sit down with them and have me do all the work. She will say things like
"Urmel will serve dinner at 6" or
"Don't forget to start dinner soon, I'm hungry" or
"Urmel, drive our guest to the station."

My wife is obviously and openly taking charge of our life(s) and of mine. She enjoys the control. She enjoys that she needn't be polite with me. It is liberating for her to just say what she thinks and wants.

Now all these things are reasons to be happy. My strategy is working. Or is it.

I did not mention how our intimate life is developing. Quite the opposite actually. Despite the exciting interlude of her dominating me, she does not like to be dominant in bed. Whenever I am a bit forceful or passionate, she emphasizes how much it turns her on. She encourages me to be dominant. And obviously she uses the same strategy on me that I use on her! Positive reinforcement.

Last night she was tired and apologized for not being in the mood for sex. She put her head on my chest and we cuddled. I thought I give it a try and said:
"What a pity, i was feeling very dominant tonight. You like when I am dominant, don't you?"
She nodded and pressed herself against me. She was like a little girl in daddies arms.
I held her very tight, grabbed her hips and butt. I could feel that she was getting turned on, but since I knew that she was tired, I stopped and announced "Good night, Princess".

So what is this now? sub by day, Dom by night?

What do you do when your Mistress is tired?

What do you do when your Mistress is too tired to dominate? When she is too exhausted to be interested in anybody else? I don't want to complain, yet sometimes I need to let off steam.

I must complain even though I know that it does not help. Complaining makes everything worse. It only increases frustration, because once I complain I pay more attention to the problem.

Princess started in her new job in January and she is still on probation. She works in a new field. On top of her work, she has to learn new things, get acquainted with new colleagues, and so on. She leaves the house at seven and is not back before seven. During the week, she does not get enough sleep. She is tired, moody, and what's worse, she wants nobody around. She wants to be left alone. Worst of all, when Princess is tired for a few days, she becomes depressed. By the end of the week she is a wreck.

I would be tired and exhausted, yet, I am rarely that tired. And, I have lots of other interests. I write, I draw, I take photos, I read books and most important, I care for my wife and my children. These things help me to relax. They divert my attention from the problems at work. These things are my other life, my real life, the life I love. Without these things I could not be productive and creative at work.

Princess has no other regular interests. When she comes home, she literally drops dead on our couch. No music, no TV. For the next hour she will not open her eyes. She will not move. She does not sleep, she is in a coma like state.. When she finally gets up, she will prepare for bed.

Princess is so burned-out that I wonder how this can continue. I wonder how I can help or support her. She does not want me around.

I don't see her when she is away and I don't see her when she is back. This is no wife-led marriage, this is not even a vanilla marriage. This is apartment sharing.

I think every couple has phases like this. Some couples have even more stress and strain than we do. I must not complain. I should be patient. I should focus on making her live easier. To help her relax. But how?

Last weekend we did not have much sex, because Princess was too tired. But we had some interesting conversations during the day. Princess told me how much she suffers under her current situation and how much she misses intimacy during the week.

At least I am not the only one who suffers. If we both agree that there is a problem, we can look for a solution.

Where are you?

I am a bit deprived lately.
The following verses came to my mind.

I just see you working
And when you're here,
tired, exhausted,
you're still not near

Without you I'm hungry
Like a beast in a cage
I'm running in circles,
trying to escape

For something inside me
is primal and dark,
It feeds on my pride
and feeds on my joy

Without your love
it grows stronger and stronger
slowly, so slowly
it eats me alive

Love is...

to dream of you when you're away
to serve you every night and day

what you desire I shall do
don't tell me, 'cause I ought to know

for your pleasure I will live
please accept what I can give

Playtime

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How important is your sex drive?

My wife can go without sex for a long time. You can say she has a low sex drive. She has often denied me sex and I guess this has revived my dormant submissiveness.

I have written about my new goal to satisfy her in bed and to fulfill her wishes and fantasies. I think I am successful, because now whenever we have sex, I can feel and see that she enjoys it.

For example, last weekend she had two orgasms when we made love. It was the first time ever.
She started to initiate sex and asks me to make love to her more often. She says things like "We should do this more often" or "I need more sex". Instead of being denied she lets me cum in her mouth. In short, we have more sex and better sex.

So what about her low sex drive? Is it really important?
How much is the frequency of our intimate encounters actually determined by the sex drive?

I have developed a theory. It is probably wrong, but I like it and I will share it with you. Please feel free to disagree.

If your sex life is running at the frequency of her sex drive, she is probably not enjoying it.
Sex may then be just a bit better than the withdrawal symptoms.

If you stay with me for a while, I will try to elucidate my thinking.

There is a difference between how often I want sex and how often I need sex:

• I want sex, because I like it.
• I need sex, because of my sex drive, which in turn is upheld by my hormones.

My sex drive gives me the lower bound of my sex frequency. If I have less, I feel depressed. But long before I reach this lower bound I get restless and desperate.
How well I can cope with the withdrawal symptoms depends on the circumstances. For example, if my Princess is ill, I can tolerate the lack of sex more easily. I don't know my exact lower limit, but I think I need sex about once a week.

I want sex far more often than that. I want it three or four times a day. This was my masturbation frequency until I stopped about a month ago. Given the opportunity, I can increase the frequency up to my physical limits.

Why do I want more sex than I need? Because its fun. For me sex has always been great. No bad experiences and often I managed to get what I wanted. That's why I want more and more of it.

I think that

1. The amount of sex you need depends on your sex drive and how well you cope with withdrawal.
2. The amount of sex you want depends on the quality of your sex life and sexual history.

You can influence how often you have enjoyable sex. The better is gets the more you will have (up to a certain limit of course). But the inverse is also true. If your sex life is running at the frequency of her sex drive, she is probably not enjoying it. Sex may then be just a bit better than the withdrawal symptoms.

More and more...

Last weekend Princess kept up her dominant behavior. She issued one task for me to do after the other.

And when you're done, come back immediately, I have more work for you.

She used me as a tool to accomplish more herself. And everything is so natural. Slowly, she starts to expect what I offer.
The pleases and thank-yous erode away.
What used to be polite requests, now become quick orders.
Needless to say that I am very happy.

Later, at night, we had the following conversation:

Are you my Mistress?
Yes, I am.
Do you enjoy being my Mistress?
Very much!
Will you help me to become a better lover?
You are a wonderful lover!
You know that's not true. I am selfish and know nothing about your pleasure.
But I know that we don't have enough sex. I am often tired, but I want more sex.

There it is again. With the reversal of roles comes the reversal of complaints. It used to be me who complained that we don't have enough sex. Now it is Princess who demands more.

I am so deeply in love.

Power seduces

I can report progress. I think my new strategy is working - better than I expected.

Easter Sunday. I wake up, because her hand tenderly strokes my back.
"Good morning Princess" I whisper. I turn around to look at her. She smiles at me, gets up and leaves the bedroom. "What a pity I think." But before long, she returns. Nude. I quickly undress and turn my attention towards her beautiful body.

"Come to me my stud" she demands. I enter her and we make love. I start slowly, but soon I increase my pace, because I know that she likes it rough. I have learned to control the impact of our friction, but her moans drive me wild. It is almost more arousing than her touch.
She enjoys my deep and fast moves. I concentrate fully on her pleasure and forget everything. It is so wonderful. I guess that I am almost conditioned, because as soon as she commands me to come, I fast-forward to orgasm. It is almost automatic. So I come at her command.

"Now I want to come!" she announces. I wipe off some of our juices and go down on her. She comes quickly and hard. Then she orders me to fuck her again.

It is only ten minutes since I climaxed, but her orders have a very positive effect on me. I am proud to obey. She seems to be proud, too. We make passionate love for a second time. After a few minutes, she looks into my eyes and observes me. She watches my face as I move in and out of her. I feel awkward. "Now come for me!" she demands. Her magic words start the auto-pilot. I come immediately - for her entertainment.

A few minutes later, we had an interesting conversation:
She said: "When you were still in charge of sex, we had more and it was more varied."

What! I thought. I know that our sex frequency has increased over the last month, because I keep a diary. But obviously her impression is that we could have more. No objection here.

To be sure I understood correctly, I asked: "Do you think that we should have more sex?"
"Yes, and I don't want to think about it, you should."
"So I should take the initiative more often?"
"Yes"
"But what if you are not in the mood?", I asked.
A big grin appeared on her face: "Then it's your fault. Make sure I am in the mood."

Later we have breakfast together and enjoy that the kids are at their grandparents. We talk about our plans for Easter and I don't expect anything more, because we had great sex and she had made me feel like her sex toy. What else could I wish for. But there was more.

When Princess was finished, she got up from the table and announced: "You may now clear the table."
I was very surprised. Recently, I hadn't encouraged her at all to be dominant, but suddenly she was. I finished my coffee, put the dishes away and cleaned the table. When she saw that I was finished, she issued one task after the other for me to complete. It came naturally without thinking. She was busy too, and we had a joyful cleaning day.

For the afternoon, Princess had invited our neighbor, a quite attractive young woman. When she arrived, my wife continued to issue orders for me to do. While she sat and chatted with our neighbor, I basically waited on them. Whenever I sat down to join them, Princess would ask me something else. It felt strange in a very erotic way. Our neighbor was surely noticing that I was doing everything while Princess just enjoyed her time.

Princess was fulfilling my fantasy and I am sure, she did not plan it. She was not even aware of it. It came so naturally. This is what I had hoped for to happen one distant day, but not so soon.

By the way, Princess is always polite. She always says "please" and "thank you". But she expects me to do as I am told and lets me know that she is not amused when I fail.

I feel that my strategy is successful. Princess is free to do whatever she likes. I will not interfere. And I respect and execute her wishes promptly.

I make sure to give positive feedback only. For example I say things like "I love it when you are so strong." I never complain or try to suggest a different behavior. If she wants to be polite so be it. She is in charge. Who am I to correct her.

She feels her power over me and is getting used to it. I am so happy.

A rant on female superiority

If you look around on the web, you find many forums, blogs, and web sites that advocate female led relationships. All of them are interesting, some are constructive, but often you find quite exaggerated claims that women are superior and that by their natural superiority, women should first rule the marriage and next the world.

So here comes my rant that I need to get off my soul:

Women are not superior! Again? Women are not superior!

Neither are men. We don't want to go back to gender discrimination and sexism, do we?

It is a nice fantasy that all women are superior and that FLR is the natural state into which every relationship sooner or later slips. Please excuse my directness, but this is bullshit. How would you define superiority anyway? And how often have you seen it happen?

Of course, if you search for evidence of FLR and wife-led marriages, you will find them more than you did before. But this does not mean that everybody is now baptized with the holy waters of the Female Goddess. It just means that your view has shifted to one flavor of relationships. In statistics this is called a biased sample. It does not mean that other partnership flavors do not exist anymore or are declining.

Several well known web mistresses claim that we men are susceptible to conditioning. That maybe true. But, where they are wrong and sexist is that they claim it is only us men. The reward system in our brains works the same for men and women. Be it at a neurological level or at the psychological level. So please spare us the sexism.

Domination is not the prerogative of a gender. It is no right of birth. And submission is not the fate of the male sex. Submissiveness and dominance are personal character traits. Maybe every man has a submissive trait, I don't know. But I know that men have a dominant trait that gave us the verb "to dominate". Maybe women have a dominant trait as well, who knows.

Submission is a gift in return for love and care.
I submit to my Princess, because She is special. Would I submit to another woman? Maybe, if she is worth it, maybe not. I have had several long lasting relationships and in none of them did it ever occur to me to submit to my then girlfriend. We simply broke up.

The right to dominate must be earned.

I fully, truly and completely love Princess. This is the only reason why she has the right to rule over me as completely as I love her.

Used for pleasure.

Last week, Princess had a terrible flu. On the weekend, she had recovered somewhat, and on Saturday night I was grateful to receive a hand-job. I guess, she felt guilty that she had "neglected" me for a while.

She played her skillful tease-and-deny game with me. Perfect turns between slow and fast. Soon I was floating in ecstasy. But after only a few minute she increased her pace and kept it up. Obviously she was tired and wanted to get "it over with". As I was approaching my orgasms I felt disappointed that after a week of abstinence I was going to cum so quickly.

Maybe I should have let her continue. Maybe I should have told her to stop. But instead I asked her to return to her previous rhythm. She did - just in time before I was reaching my point of no return. I felt relieved, because I wanted to enjoy her touch a bit longer. She continued caressing me very gentle, with the tip of her index finger barely touching my throbbing penis. But that was it. No more fast strokes at all. No firm grip on my penis. She only massaged my balls every now and then.

First it was heaven, but then it became torture, for now I was longing for the firm, fast strokes. Eventually, even her gentle touch brought me to the edge. It was unbearably slow. I felt a burning sensation crawl up to the tip of my penis. It grew stronger as I approached my climax. Then, finally, I was there. The trigger was pulled and there was nothing to stop me now.

I don't know whether she sensed my coming climax, but just then, when she had started the chain reaction, she released my penis and massaged my balls. She massaged them firmly and rhythmically and my orgasmic contractions followed her rhythm. With each grip on my balls, my penis was jumping up with a slow stream of semen dripping from its tip. The sensation was not a full orgasm, but certainly not as frustrating as the previous time. However, I was hard again only a few minutes later! Maybe we can build on this technique to keep me "up".

Sunday morning was interesting, because it was the first time that my wife "used" me for her pleasure.
She wanted me to make love to her. So I undressed and started to kiss and caress her. She looked very tired and not sexy at all.
I removed her panties and tried to undress her top. She pulled her shirt down again with a disapproving look on her face. Usually this is a clear signal that she does not actually want sex.

So I asked her:
"Are you sure you want to make love? Maybe you should sleep a bit more, while I prepare breakfast."
She said: "I really want you to make love to me, just don't touch me and don't talk to me."

So I entered her and slowly made love to her. She was not looking at me. She was not touching me. It felt very awkward, because it was clear that she wanted just my penis and not what was attached to it. I felt used. I felt owned. And it felt so right.

I tried to be as good as possible. I tried to read from her expression whether I should go slower and faster. Since I was still horny from last night, I had to control myself not to come immediately. If I relax my PC muscle, my erection weakens a bit, but I can delay my orgasm for quite some time. Relaxing the PC muscle while making love is difficult, because with each stroke it wants to contract again. To delay my orgasm, I also have to concentrate on something else. Fortunately, trying to read her expressions distracted me enough to last for some time.

After a few minutes, I had the impression that Princess was satisfied and that she wanted me to climax. I weakened my efforts to delay my orgasm, but kept the PC relaxed. My orgasm came very slowly and very intense. Princess gave me a tired smile, pushed me away and had me clean her up. Then she sent me away to prepare breakfast. She had used me for her pleasure and it was my responsibility to make it a good experience for her. I did not realize it then, but it was the first time she had put her sexual needs far above mine!

This experience fits into a new pattern. We have generally more sex than before. I think there are two main reasons. The first is her new power to decide. The second is my focus on her pleasure and desires.

Owned

I think there is a lot for us to learn from submissive women.
Persephone so perfectly describes how I feel:

"my submission is dictated by my owners and their wants and desires exclusively
my submission is about trust and dedication and submitting to things that my owners choose for me, whether or not i love those things myself
submission means that while my needs will be met, my wants are unimportant..."
Folded @ Persephone's obedience

Why I don't masturbate (anymore)

Since I was 12, I masturbated every day. Two times, three times a day or more. I needed it.
Even when I had my first girlfriend, I could not keep my fingers off my dick.

I once had girlfriends who just loved sex. She brought me to my physical limits which in my youth were very high. We did it in bed, in the shower, in the kitchen, in the car, in public places, you name it. During weekdays, I could recover while I was at the university, but on a normal weekend she gave me 4 hours between two orgasms. But often it would be more; she just loved to bring me to my limits. Still, with all this abundant and grant sex she was giving, I wanted to masturbate! Whenever I had recovered enough and she left me unattended, I touch myself.
I was addicted to masturbation!

Eventually, we split up and I returned to my old masturbation frequency: Once or twice in the morning and then again before I go to sleep. I kept this up until, well, until I realized that I was addicted.

It was during a business trip last year when I decided to stop. Well, I did not stop entirely. Twice a day, I touched myself for 15 minutes sharp, but without orgasm. I played tease and deny with myself. When the 15 minutes were over, I stopped. I stayed in bed for five more minutes with my eyes closed, relaxing every muscle in my body. I took deep and steady breaths. After that was refreshed and awake like a new born child. All tiredness gone. Feeling awake and terribly sexy (but not horny!). I guess this is what Tantra is about.

When I came back home after a week, my balls were bursting. That night my wife was touching me and I told her what I was very horny and that I was about to explode. She loved my excitement and made me cum within seconds. Princess was amazed by the amount of fluid and the force with which it shot out of my penis. And so was I.

Immediately after, she inquired what I had done to accumulate such an amount of semen. I told her. At first, she did not believe me. Why should she, for she knew that I usually masturbated at least twice a day. So I had to explain again and again that I wanted to save my orgasm for her.

Princess was touched. She kissed me and said "I really appreciate that you did this for me."

This orgasms was special because I had saved it for her. On that day I decided to give her all my orgasms as a gift. For a few weeks, I continued to touch myself, but eventually I asked her whether she would like to own my penis.

"What do you mean, own?" she asked.
"It means that you can touch it whenever you like, for as long as you like. It is yours and I will not touch it. It is a token of my love and devotion for you. Do you want it?", I asked her.
She agreed emphatically.

Since then, I have not masturbated again. I just stopped it. I nether thought that I could do it. But I can. Now, whenever I feel the urge, I think of Princess and how much I love her. I remind myself that it is her property that I would be touching without her consent.

Several times she has told me how much she appreciates my self-enforced chastity. It makes her proud that I save myself just for her.
"It makes me proud what you do for me and I admire your self control" she said during a longer period without sex.
Sometimes it is very hard for me, but because she appreciates what I do for her, I keep my promise.

Staying chaste is one way to show how much I love her. It is a sacrifice for her, a symbolic deed that reminds her every day that I surrender my penis and myself to her.

Staying chaste is also a way to show my solidarity when she is not in the mood. It shows that I am close to her.

Isn't it hard for me to have less orgasms? Sometimes it is, but I am happier and more satisfied than ever. When I masturbate, my orgasms are not satisfying. They satisfy my need to masturbate, but never my desire to be loved and touched. There is no substitute for the touch of my Princess. Now all my orgasms are exceptional. I only cum when she wants it. Only she makes me cum. And when she does, I feel that I am truly hers.

Orgasm control (2)

Princess has developed a beautiful technique to tease and deny me. She will start when I still have my boxers on. She gently strokes over my penis. Just enough so that it does not tickle. She enjoys how I react. She loves to feel it grow. While she does this, her head rest on my chest. She can feel my breath, she can hear my heart, its beat resonating in my chest. Faster with every touch.
"You want to take these off?" she will whisper eventually, pulling my boxers down just a bit. Moments later I am nude.

Princess takes hold of her property and firmly grips my balls. My penis replies with a quick jump. Then Princess resumes caressing my penis. Just the tips of her fingers. Gently up the shaft to the tip. Then down again. Another firm pull on the balls to make sure I don't fall asleep. Now I am ready for more, but she goes on gently. This goes on for minutes. I drift away. I float in a pleasurable state that will never reach orgasm.
When I don't expect it, she takes my penis in her hand. One, two, three quick strokes. Just enough to elevate me closer to the climax. But never getting there. When I have just realized what has happened, she will slow down again. I float again. A bit closer to climax than before, but still not there.
Suddenly she gets up. Will she deny me tonight? Should I be happy that the lives my fantasy, or should I beg her to continue?

But instead of turning around, she bends down and takes my throbbing member in her warm mouth. Her heat and softness drive me crazy. With her soft lips she brings me to the brink of orgasm. She grips the base of my penis and moves her mouth up and down a few times. I'm almost there. She knows it. My tip is like a red ripe cherry. She kisses it.
"Good night beautiful penis." she says and turns around to sleep.

The next evening I hope that the story continues, but she is too tired. I can feel the tension in my balls. The following night, she invites me to make love. I am in heaven as I dive into her wetness. In the recent weeks, I have tried to last longer when we make love. There are some techniques that work well for me. She likes it rough, so I start fast. Usually, this desensitizes me and I can go on for a long time. Or I try to put myself in her position. I imagine what it feels like to be her. This helps me to anticipate what she might like next and it diverts the attention from my own approaching climax.

But today nothing works. I am just too loaded and after just a couple of minutes I have to tell her that we must slow down. I feel defeated. I want to be her lasting lover.
"Please go on" she says, "it feels so good when you come." and so I do.

Later I ask her "I hope it was good for you?"
"Yes, very good. But I think you need more orgasms to last longer."

What should I say now? Is there anything the will not offend her? And, do I want more orgasms? Isn't the idea about submission to be denied? Every orgasm is well earned?

"I have as many orgasms as you wish" I finally answer. She seems happy with this answer.

But now I am thinking. Why are we so keen on being denied? Is it the lack of sex that drives us into submission and then we turn denial into a fetish? I am not sure.

I imagine what it would be like if I had many orgasms. I imagine what it would be like if she ordered me to masturbate to orgasm every day. Not for my pleasure, but to make me last longer when we make love. Like you walk your dog around the block so that it can pee she will walk me to the toilet to masturbate under her supervision.

This fantasy turned me on. I keep thinking about it all the time. So at least for me it is not being denied that is arousing, it is being controlled. If my orgasms are controlled by Her, I feel incredibly submissive.

Deep inside I have a strong desire to be owned, to be treated like I am owned. Whatever gives me this feeling is fine. If she denies me I have this feeling, but also if she orders me to masturbate to exhaustion. By contrast, I get frustrated if I feel that she does not care. Fortunately, this gets less and less. The more care about her, the more she cares about me.

Manifesto

Rika tells us that many men confuse submission with regression. I would go a step further. Many men, including me, don't want to submit, they want to be suppressed (aka dominated).

There is a big difference between submission and being dominated. Submission is a mind-set of the sub or slave. Domination is the mind-set of the mistress. So when we say wife-led or female-led, we focus on the mind set of the woman rather than on our own. For this reason, I like these terms less and less. They emphasize what the wife/female should do for her partner rather than what we can do.

I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!

This is not stealth submission, because she knows about my feelings. She appreciates what I do and feel for her. We have agreed that I am the property of my wife. She can do with me what she wants. Whatever she decides, I want to be happy with it. As her property, who am I to question her?

Submitting to my wife is about her. What can I do for her? The typical answer is: Do all the chores and all the work around the house. But the true answer is more complex. Cleaning the house and doing all the chores may be necessary, but it is not sufficient! After all, I submit to her and not to the house.

First of all, a good slave must anticipate the personal and emotional needs of his mistress. He has to feel what she is feeling. Is she tired and needs rest and comfort, or is she is in the mood for play? The slave must act and behave according to her feelings and emotions. This is more important and more difficult than just being a domestic servant. He has to let go of his own pride and ambitions in favor of hers. He must put her emotional needs and desires above and before his own. On the long run, this can only work if her pleasure become his joy; if my satisfaction depends only on her well being. This is what submission is about.

So my quest has changed. I no longer want to turn my marriage into a "wife lead" marriage. My new goal is to become the perfect slave of my wife through constant self-improvement.

There are three areas where I want to improve:

1. Self-control. Like a monk who devotes his body and soul to God, I want to devote my body and soul to my Goddess. I want to learn how to concentrate just on her and drive all other thoughts and desires from my mind.
   
2. House and family. I strive to free my wife of all unwanted tasks to give her more time for herself and for us.
3. Bed. I strive to become a better lover for my wife. I learn her preferences and anticipate her desires.
   

This was my manifesto for the last weeks. Since then, I have been very careful when I mentioned my wish to submit. I have only mentioned it to motivate why I was doing something for her. I am very happy with my new manifesto, because I no longer depend on her dominating me. If she does, fine. If she doesn't, also fine.

The biggest change for me is of course sexually. I was used to push my preferences and now I try to exclusively cater her needs. In my previous post I reported that I have to learn a lot before I can fully give in to my wife. But I know that I can learn to let go of my selfish thoughts and appreciate that her way is the better way.

What is more important is that my wife is also happy with my new approach. She needn't worry anymore whether she fits my stereotype of a good mistress. She can just do as she likes. This freedom allows her to embrace as much of her new role as she likes. She is free to define the word mistress for herself. And indeed she does.

Sexual Nirvana?

I have a problem. Whatever I do for my Princess, or whatever she does to me, I compare what is happening to my fantasies. I can't help it. I cannot switch of my brain.

Let me illustrate what I mean.

The kids are in bed. Princess is tired from a long day at work and relaxes on the couch, her eyes closed, listening to her favorite music.

I try to help her relaxing, kneeling before her. I gently stroke her hair. "Now she relaxes and may be ready for some intimacy." I think, but immediately after that I fear that she may relax just a little too much and then she'll be tired, too tired.

She opens her eyes with a tired smile: "We should get ready. Tomorrow I have to get up early." It is 10pm. While Princess gets ready in the bathroom I clean up behind us and put our daughter once more on the toilet. Potty training. I use the other bathroom to get ready and since there is nothing more for me to do, I get ready and wait for my Princess to return.

After a while she returns from the bathroom, still dressed. She prepares her dress for tomorrow. She will never let me do this. So I sit read.

When I look up again, she steps out of her pants and undoes her blouse. I admire her shape. With one skillful movement she opens her bra and throws it away. Two perfectly shaped breasts. The sight I've been waiting for. Princess grabs a t-shirt for the night and puts it on. Now I know that she is too tired. If she had put it next to her pillow instead, there would have been a chance that we will make love. But I don't waste a thought on this anymore. Rather I want to cherish every second of her brief nudity.

Today I am lucky. Years of washing and wearing have made the fabric of her t-shirt thin and transparent. So now I get a good view of her erect nipples. I am in heaven. "You are so beautiful." I whisper. "Thank you." she says. If only she believed me.

Princess quickly joins me and rests her head on my chest. She is so warm, so soft. I inhale her scent and close my eyes. My penis is hard. I gently stroke her hair. With my other hand I gently stroke her shoulder blades, down her spine, until I reach her buttox. With my eyes closed I try to imagine every inch of skin that I tough. My fingers caress her hips and then move slowly up along her waist back to her shoulders. She loves my gentle touch and relaxes completely. Imagining her makes me so horny.

But after a few minutes, my mind begins to roam. Selfish desires crawl up. "Come on, touch me!" I think, "Touch me before I go limp." Instantly, I get annoyed. I should concentrate on her pleasure, don't I? Can't I just be and enjoy the tenderness of the moment?

I try to focus on Princess again. What can I do to make it more exciting for her? Can I do more? Am I too boring?

Suddenly, she pulls my side of the covers down and exposes me. I know well what this means. Her hand touches my belly and moves slowly down to my crotch. With her palm she feels my penis through my boxers. Often my erection is almost gone by now. "Is she disappointed?" I try to think of something sexy to make it grow again, but it never works. Fortunately I don't have a problem today. I am as hard as I can be.

"You can undress if you like" she says. Too polite. "Why doesn't she say 'undress!'" I think. Shame on me again!

I comply and remove my boxers. We resume our position and she starts caressing me with her finger tips. Slowly she strokes my penis from the tip down to the balls, then up again. Barely touching me. Sometimes she concentrates on the sensitive skin just below the glans. Sometimes she squeezes balls while firmly pulling the skin down. Then she may masturbate me for a few strokes. Always changing the pace from slow to fast and back again, never keeping one method for long. Slowly my excitement builds up, unbearably slow. Now my mind is almost empty.

But only almost. I am still caressing her back. Should I concentrate on her or should I just relax and enjoy her attention? Would she prefer something else? "Would you like to make love?" I ask. "No, I am tired". So I can relax I think, but soon I wonder whether she will finish me off or deny me. I don't know which I prefer. If she denies me I will be frustrated, but I know that she "thinks Dom". My body wants an orgasm badly. Why can't I just cherish the moment? Why can't I just relax and be her toy? Instead I spoil my pleasure with stupid thoughts.

After a few minutes, she firmly grips my penis and starts jerking me off. Skillfully, not too fast and not too slow. A steady rhythm and no more pause. At this rate, I'll have my orgasm within a few seconds. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I have often tried to resist, but she knows my body like a mechanic knows his engine. She has scheduled my orgasm and it will be on time. Before I can think anything else my thoughts are flushed by the orgasm and my mind is finally at peace.

For me submission means to fully give up your thoughts and desires. Not only do your told, but also be what your told. I want to be her toy, her pet. Does Sexual Nirvana exist? The state of total happiness and fulfillment? The state where I exist only for her pleasure. The state where my desires cease to exist?

What are your fantasies?

I have lots of sexual fantasies. Some of them are very common others maybe not. For example, I am submissive. I dream about being dominated, humiliated, spanked, displayed and used, and many other things in this direction. I also have a dominant side. I love it when my wife kneels before me and blows me until I come in her mouth. I also have many fantasies where I am a submissive girl who is used and humiliated my many men.

During our marriage, I have told Princess many of my fantasies. She also knows most of my sexual desires and preferences. This is good for me. She can bring me to orgasm within seconds. Anytime. Anywhere. She just knows. I am so grateful.

But I can't recall that we ever talked about her fantasies. Shame on me! Her preferences? I am not sure. The only feedback I get are her orgasms. I think she prefers the missionary position and so far her only orgasms have been oral. If she is relaxed, she likes intimacy. If not, forget it. But that's about it.

So now, after almost 15 years of intimacy, I want to get to know her. Her secret thoughts and desires. Her fantasies. But I have no idea how.

The other night I asked:
"Is there something that arouses you? Something besides kissing and touching?"

Her first response was the reflex, her typical response if she feels pressured:

"To enjoy sex, I need to be relaxed and in the mood"

"I know Princess. Let's assume you are relaxed. So what, besides kissing and touching, will bring you into the mood?"

"I like intelligent erotica or well made movies."

This is a start. I still don't know about her preferences, but I can look for some erotica and read it to her (any recommendations?).

But what about fantasies? I actually don't know whether she has sexual fantasies. If I ask her, she we will say something like:

"I think about us making love."

This is not a fantasy but a memory, right?

I must admit that I use most of my fantasies to masturbate. So maybe Princess does the same?

I have asked her many times:

"Princess, what do you think about when you masturbate?"

"I don't masturbate."

"You don't? Why not?

"I feel silly, and besides, why should I masturbate if I have you?"

Then she grins and the subject is closed. The only time I know where she has masturbated was during a phone call when I was out of the country for several weeks. But even then it took one hour of phone sex to get her in the mood.

Fortunately, she is more willing to share her sexual desires since I started to concentrate on her pleasure. When we made love last night, she told me what to do:

"when we make love I don't want you to hold back. I love it when you are wild and out of control."

"You want me to be wild like an animal"

"Oh yes!"

So I we made lov....., no, well, I fucked her hard and wild. She wanted it, she got it. Of course I held back my orgasm. But she didn't care, because she wanted to be fucked for a long time. I had to muster all my strength not to come early. When she finally moaned "Come for me!" I came instantly.

Can I be the rough lover and feel submissive at the same time? I think yes. It's the classic story of Beauty and the Beast.

I must change!

Uniquely Rika's blog has many intelligent and insightful articles on D/s relationships. A recurring theme is the difference between Submission and Regression. She explains it with the following observation:

"These guys [someone like me - Urmel] aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission!

What does this type of submissive say they want?

• They want to obey the wishes of the ultimate beautiful woman - the Goddess Giver
  
• They want to be told what to do, how to act, what is or isn't appropriate behavior
  
• They want to be "Trained"
  
• They want to be punished if they fail to obey
  
• They want to be subordinate to a woman who loves them
  
• They want to be so in love with a woman that they have no resistance to her ultimate will
  
• They want to give up rights to their pleasure and have it in the hands of the woman they unconditionally adore
  
• They want to be swept off their feet and held helplessly (figuratively and often literally)
  

Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!!

I can only agree. So do I want my mother back? No.
Rika has a clear idea of how the sub should be

"... submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be).

Again I can only agree. At the same time my blog is full of complaints that my wife is not playing along.

But honestly, should she? Should she need to change so that I can submit? If I am submissive, shouldn't I be happy if I can make my wife the happiest woman on earth?

So why do I want my wife to change?

I have intensive and detailed fantasies that I want to come true. To achieve this, I am bending the relation to my wife - I am even bending her. Shame on me! I am not servicing her, I am servicing me. I focus on my needs rather than hers.

Of course you have to focus on your needs as well, you may say, otherwise you'll get frustrated and that's not good for your marriage either. True, but what are my needs and why do I get frustrated?

I get frustrated, because I have expectations of how our marriage should develop, how my wife should develop. It is the mismatch between dream and reality that frustrates me. And since no reality can match the perfection of a fantasy, I will always be frustrated.

Fortunately, there is a solution out of this dilemma. And it is simpler than changing my wife.

I truly need to serve my wife. I want to make her the happiest woman on earth. I want to exist for her pleasure. But for all this, I don't need her cooperation. I can just do it. Like Rika, I am convinced that true submission doesn't need the partner to play along. I can just submit. Totally. Unconditionally. Who will stop me?

I can just submit my fantasies and focus on hers instead of mine!
I can just submit my pleasure and focus on hers instead of mine!

Not my wife has to change, I must change.

All this gives me hope. Why? Because it is always easier to change oneself than somebody else. I know already that the change is for the better, I don't have to convince somebody. I can motivate me at any time and need not be polite. No need to communicate, I know everything already.

Of course this will be difficult. Of course I will feel frustrated again. But then it will be because of me and not because of Her! All mistakes will be at the end that I can influence - me.

If I am successful, there will be unconditional love and devotion. I can worship my goddess without the need of regular miracles. But I am sure the more she appreciates my devotion, the more miracles will come.