Our reversal of roles

For the last weeks, I am the head of the bedroom. I decide when we have sex. I decide how we have sex. Whatever I decide, Princess is very eager to please me. You can imagine that we have had a lot of sex lately.

What I don't understand so far is why this works. In the past, we often quarreled about sex. She complained that it was too much. Now we have even more sex and seems very happy with my high sex drive. Suddenly she is so eager to pleasure me that I can't believe it. Why?

Maybe it was our WLM experiment that changed her mind. Maybe my confessions made her think about her own desires. I thought that she wanted to be in control; that she wanted to decide when and how we have sex. Probably my wishes were father of the thought, who knows, but in the end I was wrong. Our WLM experiment lasted only four months. Princess did not like it.

Maybe there is another reason as well. In the past, I was always very polite when it came to sex: "Would you like to make love?" or "Would you like blow me?". I was very defensive. And the more problems we had, the more defensive and I became.
"Please let us make love."
In the end I was begging more than anything else. And the more I begged, the less sex we had. I guess she was simply put off by this. The problem was not the amount of sex, but the amount of begging.

Recently Princess told me that in bed she doesn't want to be asked. So now I just tell her what I want: "Tonight I will use you" or "Suck me until I come." She seems to get most of her satisfaction from giving me pleasure. Of course I must make sure that she gets what she needs. But I must be very subtle, because she doesn't want me to do something for her pleasure only. She needs the feeling that I take her for my pleasure only. If I ask her whether she likes what we are doing, I destroy this feeling.
Princess needs to be fucked. I know that now. So I fuck her often. Much more often than before and much harder than before.

Princess has become my sex toy and she tells me she loves it. But like with every toy, I must take care not to break it. I am responsible for her and she trusts me. Being responsible means that I must put her well being before my mine. If she is too tired, I must decide that we won't have sex, even if I wanted it. Being responsible means that I know her well enough to know her limits. I can push these limits, but I must know where to stop. I must also decide when we don't have sex and these are the most difficult decisions. Self-control and patience are not my virtues. She makes it easy to control her, but is much harder to control myself.

We will never live a wife-led marriage

I have not posted for some time. In fact I was not sure whether I should continue this blog.

I started this blog to sort out my thoughts and to write about my attempt to transform my marriage into a wife led marriage. Writing helped me, but your comments and advice helped me even more. They helped me through periods of doubt and encouraged me to continue. I am very grateful for that.

A wife-led marriage is my dream. I want to show my love and devotion by submitting to the woman I love. It excites me. It arouses me. It stirs something deep inside me. I wished Princess would rule and guide me.

But as strong as this wish may be, I don't depend on it. I am strong enough to live my live without being guided and controlled.

This is where Princess and I differ. During our short wife-led period, we have discovered that Princess needs my emotional strength. She needs my guidance and support. Without it, she says, she won't be able to live her life. It no sexual desire, it is an emotional need. She is weaker than I am. I don't need force to break her, she does it on her own. So I must re-build her every day. My optimism and my emotional strength fuel her well-being. If I withdraw it from her, she suffers.

I have accepted that we will never live a wife-led marriage. My mission has changed. I must lead. I must be strong. But though I may have lost a battle, we are winning a war. Our marriage has grown stronger and our love is deeper than before.

Maybe this is reason enough to continue this blog...

A rant on female superiority

If you look around on the web, you find many forums, blogs, and web sites that advocate female led relationships. All of them are interesting, some are constructive, but often you find quite exaggerated claims that women are superior and that by their natural superiority, women should first rule the marriage and next the world.

So here comes my rant that I need to get off my soul:

Women are not superior! Again? Women are not superior!

Neither are men. We don't want to go back to gender discrimination and sexism, do we?

It is a nice fantasy that all women are superior and that FLR is the natural state into which every relationship sooner or later slips. Please excuse my directness, but this is bullshit. How would you define superiority anyway? And how often have you seen it happen?

Of course, if you search for evidence of FLR and wife-led marriages, you will find them more than you did before. But this does not mean that everybody is now baptized with the holy waters of the Female Goddess. It just means that your view has shifted to one flavor of relationships. In statistics this is called a biased sample. It does not mean that other partnership flavors do not exist anymore or are declining.

Several well known web mistresses claim that we men are susceptible to conditioning. That maybe true. But, where they are wrong and sexist is that they claim it is only us men. The reward system in our brains works the same for men and women. Be it at a neurological level or at the psychological level. So please spare us the sexism.

Domination is not the prerogative of a gender. It is no right of birth. And submission is not the fate of the male sex. Submissiveness and dominance are personal character traits. Maybe every man has a submissive trait, I don't know. But I know that men have a dominant trait that gave us the verb "to dominate". Maybe women have a dominant trait as well, who knows.

Submission is a gift in return for love and care.
I submit to my Princess, because She is special. Would I submit to another woman? Maybe, if she is worth it, maybe not. I have had several long lasting relationships and in none of them did it ever occur to me to submit to my then girlfriend. We simply broke up.

The right to dominate must be earned.

I fully, truly and completely love Princess. This is the only reason why she has the right to rule over me as completely as I love her.

Used for pleasure.

Last week, Princess had a terrible flu. On the weekend, she had recovered somewhat, and on Saturday night I was grateful to receive a hand-job. I guess, she felt guilty that she had "neglected" me for a while.

She played her skillful tease-and-deny game with me. Perfect turns between slow and fast. Soon I was floating in ecstasy. But after only a few minute she increased her pace and kept it up. Obviously she was tired and wanted to get "it over with". As I was approaching my orgasms I felt disappointed that after a week of abstinence I was going to cum so quickly.

Maybe I should have let her continue. Maybe I should have told her to stop. But instead I asked her to return to her previous rhythm. She did - just in time before I was reaching my point of no return. I felt relieved, because I wanted to enjoy her touch a bit longer. She continued caressing me very gentle, with the tip of her index finger barely touching my throbbing penis. But that was it. No more fast strokes at all. No firm grip on my penis. She only massaged my balls every now and then.

First it was heaven, but then it became torture, for now I was longing for the firm, fast strokes. Eventually, even her gentle touch brought me to the edge. It was unbearably slow. I felt a burning sensation crawl up to the tip of my penis. It grew stronger as I approached my climax. Then, finally, I was there. The trigger was pulled and there was nothing to stop me now.

I don't know whether she sensed my coming climax, but just then, when she had started the chain reaction, she released my penis and massaged my balls. She massaged them firmly and rhythmically and my orgasmic contractions followed her rhythm. With each grip on my balls, my penis was jumping up with a slow stream of semen dripping from its tip. The sensation was not a full orgasm, but certainly not as frustrating as the previous time. However, I was hard again only a few minutes later! Maybe we can build on this technique to keep me "up".

Sunday morning was interesting, because it was the first time that my wife "used" me for her pleasure.
She wanted me to make love to her. So I undressed and started to kiss and caress her. She looked very tired and not sexy at all.
I removed her panties and tried to undress her top. She pulled her shirt down again with a disapproving look on her face. Usually this is a clear signal that she does not actually want sex.

So I asked her:
"Are you sure you want to make love? Maybe you should sleep a bit more, while I prepare breakfast."
She said: "I really want you to make love to me, just don't touch me and don't talk to me."

So I entered her and slowly made love to her. She was not looking at me. She was not touching me. It felt very awkward, because it was clear that she wanted just my penis and not what was attached to it. I felt used. I felt owned. And it felt so right.

I tried to be as good as possible. I tried to read from her expression whether I should go slower and faster. Since I was still horny from last night, I had to control myself not to come immediately. If I relax my PC muscle, my erection weakens a bit, but I can delay my orgasm for quite some time. Relaxing the PC muscle while making love is difficult, because with each stroke it wants to contract again. To delay my orgasm, I also have to concentrate on something else. Fortunately, trying to read her expressions distracted me enough to last for some time.

After a few minutes, I had the impression that Princess was satisfied and that she wanted me to climax. I weakened my efforts to delay my orgasm, but kept the PC relaxed. My orgasm came very slowly and very intense. Princess gave me a tired smile, pushed me away and had me clean her up. Then she sent me away to prepare breakfast. She had used me for her pleasure and it was my responsibility to make it a good experience for her. I did not realize it then, but it was the first time she had put her sexual needs far above mine!

This experience fits into a new pattern. We have generally more sex than before. I think there are two main reasons. The first is her new power to decide. The second is my focus on her pleasure and desires.

Manifesto

Rika tells us that many men confuse submission with regression. I would go a step further. Many men, including me, don't want to submit, they want to be suppressed (aka dominated).

There is a big difference between submission and being dominated. Submission is a mind-set of the sub or slave. Domination is the mind-set of the mistress. So when we say wife-led or female-led, we focus on the mind set of the woman rather than on our own. For this reason, I like these terms less and less. They emphasize what the wife/female should do for her partner rather than what we can do.

I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!

This is not stealth submission, because she knows about my feelings. She appreciates what I do and feel for her. We have agreed that I am the property of my wife. She can do with me what she wants. Whatever she decides, I want to be happy with it. As her property, who am I to question her?

Submitting to my wife is about her. What can I do for her? The typical answer is: Do all the chores and all the work around the house. But the true answer is more complex. Cleaning the house and doing all the chores may be necessary, but it is not sufficient! After all, I submit to her and not to the house.

First of all, a good slave must anticipate the personal and emotional needs of his mistress. He has to feel what she is feeling. Is she tired and needs rest and comfort, or is she is in the mood for play? The slave must act and behave according to her feelings and emotions. This is more important and more difficult than just being a domestic servant. He has to let go of his own pride and ambitions in favor of hers. He must put her emotional needs and desires above and before his own. On the long run, this can only work if her pleasure become his joy; if my satisfaction depends only on her well being. This is what submission is about.

So my quest has changed. I no longer want to turn my marriage into a "wife lead" marriage. My new goal is to become the perfect slave of my wife through constant self-improvement.

There are three areas where I want to improve:

1. Self-control. Like a monk who devotes his body and soul to God, I want to devote my body and soul to my Goddess. I want to learn how to concentrate just on her and drive all other thoughts and desires from my mind.
   
2. House and family. I strive to free my wife of all unwanted tasks to give her more time for herself and for us.
3. Bed. I strive to become a better lover for my wife. I learn her preferences and anticipate her desires.
   

This was my manifesto for the last weeks. Since then, I have been very careful when I mentioned my wish to submit. I have only mentioned it to motivate why I was doing something for her. I am very happy with my new manifesto, because I no longer depend on her dominating me. If she does, fine. If she doesn't, also fine.

The biggest change for me is of course sexually. I was used to push my preferences and now I try to exclusively cater her needs. In my previous post I reported that I have to learn a lot before I can fully give in to my wife. But I know that I can learn to let go of my selfish thoughts and appreciate that her way is the better way.

What is more important is that my wife is also happy with my new approach. She needn't worry anymore whether she fits my stereotype of a good mistress. She can just do as she likes. This freedom allows her to embrace as much of her new role as she likes. She is free to define the word mistress for herself. And indeed she does.

Sexual Nirvana?

I have a problem. Whatever I do for my Princess, or whatever she does to me, I compare what is happening to my fantasies. I can't help it. I cannot switch of my brain.

Let me illustrate what I mean.

The kids are in bed. Princess is tired from a long day at work and relaxes on the couch, her eyes closed, listening to her favorite music.

I try to help her relaxing, kneeling before her. I gently stroke her hair. "Now she relaxes and may be ready for some intimacy." I think, but immediately after that I fear that she may relax just a little too much and then she'll be tired, too tired.

She opens her eyes with a tired smile: "We should get ready. Tomorrow I have to get up early." It is 10pm. While Princess gets ready in the bathroom I clean up behind us and put our daughter once more on the toilet. Potty training. I use the other bathroom to get ready and since there is nothing more for me to do, I get ready and wait for my Princess to return.

After a while she returns from the bathroom, still dressed. She prepares her dress for tomorrow. She will never let me do this. So I sit read.

When I look up again, she steps out of her pants and undoes her blouse. I admire her shape. With one skillful movement she opens her bra and throws it away. Two perfectly shaped breasts. The sight I've been waiting for. Princess grabs a t-shirt for the night and puts it on. Now I know that she is too tired. If she had put it next to her pillow instead, there would have been a chance that we will make love. But I don't waste a thought on this anymore. Rather I want to cherish every second of her brief nudity.

Today I am lucky. Years of washing and wearing have made the fabric of her t-shirt thin and transparent. So now I get a good view of her erect nipples. I am in heaven. "You are so beautiful." I whisper. "Thank you." she says. If only she believed me.

Princess quickly joins me and rests her head on my chest. She is so warm, so soft. I inhale her scent and close my eyes. My penis is hard. I gently stroke her hair. With my other hand I gently stroke her shoulder blades, down her spine, until I reach her buttox. With my eyes closed I try to imagine every inch of skin that I tough. My fingers caress her hips and then move slowly up along her waist back to her shoulders. She loves my gentle touch and relaxes completely. Imagining her makes me so horny.

But after a few minutes, my mind begins to roam. Selfish desires crawl up. "Come on, touch me!" I think, "Touch me before I go limp." Instantly, I get annoyed. I should concentrate on her pleasure, don't I? Can't I just be and enjoy the tenderness of the moment?

I try to focus on Princess again. What can I do to make it more exciting for her? Can I do more? Am I too boring?

Suddenly, she pulls my side of the covers down and exposes me. I know well what this means. Her hand touches my belly and moves slowly down to my crotch. With her palm she feels my penis through my boxers. Often my erection is almost gone by now. "Is she disappointed?" I try to think of something sexy to make it grow again, but it never works. Fortunately I don't have a problem today. I am as hard as I can be.

"You can undress if you like" she says. Too polite. "Why doesn't she say 'undress!'" I think. Shame on me again!

I comply and remove my boxers. We resume our position and she starts caressing me with her finger tips. Slowly she strokes my penis from the tip down to the balls, then up again. Barely touching me. Sometimes she concentrates on the sensitive skin just below the glans. Sometimes she squeezes balls while firmly pulling the skin down. Then she may masturbate me for a few strokes. Always changing the pace from slow to fast and back again, never keeping one method for long. Slowly my excitement builds up, unbearably slow. Now my mind is almost empty.

But only almost. I am still caressing her back. Should I concentrate on her or should I just relax and enjoy her attention? Would she prefer something else? "Would you like to make love?" I ask. "No, I am tired". So I can relax I think, but soon I wonder whether she will finish me off or deny me. I don't know which I prefer. If she denies me I will be frustrated, but I know that she "thinks Dom". My body wants an orgasm badly. Why can't I just cherish the moment? Why can't I just relax and be her toy? Instead I spoil my pleasure with stupid thoughts.

After a few minutes, she firmly grips my penis and starts jerking me off. Skillfully, not too fast and not too slow. A steady rhythm and no more pause. At this rate, I'll have my orgasm within a few seconds. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I have often tried to resist, but she knows my body like a mechanic knows his engine. She has scheduled my orgasm and it will be on time. Before I can think anything else my thoughts are flushed by the orgasm and my mind is finally at peace.

For me submission means to fully give up your thoughts and desires. Not only do your told, but also be what your told. I want to be her toy, her pet. Does Sexual Nirvana exist? The state of total happiness and fulfillment? The state where I exist only for her pleasure. The state where my desires cease to exist?

I must change!

Uniquely Rika's blog has many intelligent and insightful articles on D/s relationships. A recurring theme is the difference between Submission and Regression. She explains it with the following observation:

"These guys [someone like me - Urmel] aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission!

What does this type of submissive say they want?

• They want to obey the wishes of the ultimate beautiful woman - the Goddess Giver
  
• They want to be told what to do, how to act, what is or isn't appropriate behavior
  
• They want to be "Trained"
  
• They want to be punished if they fail to obey
  
• They want to be subordinate to a woman who loves them
  
• They want to be so in love with a woman that they have no resistance to her ultimate will
  
• They want to give up rights to their pleasure and have it in the hands of the woman they unconditionally adore
  
• They want to be swept off their feet and held helplessly (figuratively and often literally)
  

Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!!

I can only agree. So do I want my mother back? No.
Rika has a clear idea of how the sub should be

"... submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be).

Again I can only agree. At the same time my blog is full of complaints that my wife is not playing along.

But honestly, should she? Should she need to change so that I can submit? If I am submissive, shouldn't I be happy if I can make my wife the happiest woman on earth?

So why do I want my wife to change?

I have intensive and detailed fantasies that I want to come true. To achieve this, I am bending the relation to my wife - I am even bending her. Shame on me! I am not servicing her, I am servicing me. I focus on my needs rather than hers.

Of course you have to focus on your needs as well, you may say, otherwise you'll get frustrated and that's not good for your marriage either. True, but what are my needs and why do I get frustrated?

I get frustrated, because I have expectations of how our marriage should develop, how my wife should develop. It is the mismatch between dream and reality that frustrates me. And since no reality can match the perfection of a fantasy, I will always be frustrated.

Fortunately, there is a solution out of this dilemma. And it is simpler than changing my wife.

I truly need to serve my wife. I want to make her the happiest woman on earth. I want to exist for her pleasure. But for all this, I don't need her cooperation. I can just do it. Like Rika, I am convinced that true submission doesn't need the partner to play along. I can just submit. Totally. Unconditionally. Who will stop me?

I can just submit my fantasies and focus on hers instead of mine!
I can just submit my pleasure and focus on hers instead of mine!

Not my wife has to change, I must change.

All this gives me hope. Why? Because it is always easier to change oneself than somebody else. I know already that the change is for the better, I don't have to convince somebody. I can motivate me at any time and need not be polite. No need to communicate, I know everything already.

Of course this will be difficult. Of course I will feel frustrated again. But then it will be because of me and not because of Her! All mistakes will be at the end that I can influence - me.

If I am successful, there will be unconditional love and devotion. I can worship my goddess without the need of regular miracles. But I am sure the more she appreciates my devotion, the more miracles will come.

Ups and downs

Shortly before Christmas, my wife had broken her arm and since then, she was unable to use it. The interesting side effect of this was, that I had to do all of the work around the house and my wife had to sit and watch. I am sure that this period helped her to appreciate her new role as head of the house. On Monday, after five long weeks, the cast was removed and I was curious to see what will happen. Will she fall back into her old behavior of doing most work around the house?

Monday evening, she resumed an old habit that she could not practice because of her broken arm. When we went to bed, she told me to strip and lie down. She then sat between my legs, still fully dressed and gave me a mind blowing blow job.

Shortly before I reached climax, she sat up and stroked my slowly with her hands. I did not know whether she would deny me or not, until she said "Come for me!". This sent me over the edge and she watched with pleasure how I made a mess of myself. What a great start of the week!

The following two days were uneventful. Princess was too tired to lead and too tired for intimacy. Every night, she just said good night and turned around to sleep.

Thursday was the day of our planned our romantic evening. I had high expectations, because not much had happened during the week. All day, I thought of something special for my Princess. Something that she would enjoy. But I had a hard day at work, so I decided to just pamper her in every possible way.

When I got home, my son still had homework to do. And when it was time for our kids to go to bed, he was still not done. I was tired from the day and probably too strict with him. So my attempts to speed him up ended in an argument. Nothing serious, but and argument still. My wife came later than usual and arrived just in time for the showdown between the father and his six year old son.

After the kids were in bed, my wife retired to the living room and watched TV. I finished cleaning the kitchen and joined my wife. She did not speak with me during the entire evening. Later in bed, I asked whether she was upset at something.

What followed was a scolding like I have not received before, or at least not since I was a boy:

"You are not up to this!" she shouted "When I come home from work, I don't want to find a family at war! I am too tired to put up with you in this state! You should be ashamed at how you shouted at our poor son."

And so it went on for 15 minutes or more. I did not object nor did I argue. She was right. I was tired and had lost my temper. I told her that she was right. She did not answer.

There was a long silence. It felt awful. I felt awful! But at the same time I admired her. She was so strong and dominant. So beautiful. I felt the strong desire to be punished. I thought "give me good spanking and we will both feel better." I struggled whether I should tell her to punish me, or whether it will make things worse. After a long pause, I finally mustered the courage to tell her that she may punish me if she wished.

That was a mistake. Even as I spoke, I could feel the temperature drop far below the freezing point. She was furious. "Be careful", she said, "there is only a thin line between submitting and being despised. I have married a strong man and I need somebody to lean on." Her voice was strong and firm. She expected me to listen and obey. Her final words were something like "If you want me to decide, that's fine with me, but I won't have any role-plays outside the bedroom."

Needless to say that I was scared. Did I go to far? Did I break the very foundations our marriage is build on?

I spent the next day thinking about what had happened. If my wife does not want a wife-led marriage, I will respect that and stop my campaign. I bought her a big bouquet of flowers and decided to talk with her after the kids are in bed.

My wife arrived later than usual. When I gave her the flowers she was deeply moved. We kissed passionately and then she asked: "Didn't you get my e-mail?" "No, which e-mail?" - "I sent you a mail to apologize for last night and when you did not reply I was worried that you don't want to talk to me anymore." Now I was surprised. We kissed again and I told her that there was no reason for her to apologize. At night, we made love - it was wonderful.

When I woke up on Saturday, she was already awake. I started to kiss her - her cheeks, her neck. I wanted to be slow and tender. When I reached her breasts, she put her hand on my head and pushed me down. I was thrilled. She has never done something like this before! So I went down and pleasured her with my mouth. And to my great delight she used her pelvis to direct me to the right places. Also for the first time. She had me pleasure her for a long time and did not rush like so often. And when she finally gave me the signal to make her come, my mouth and tongue were sore and my erection painful.

After her orgasm she turned her back on me and relaxed. She had really used me for her pleasure. For a while, I had the impression she fell asleep again. It looked like she was going to deny me. I was about to get up, when she finally invited me to make love. I was more than happy to comply, but I was so excited that I came within seconds. It was bliss.

Then came breakfast and with it another surprise. My wife was telling our kids how to behave properly at the table and if they did not follow the rules, she would punish them. Then she added "and if Daddy doesn't follow the rules, I will punish him as well."

This was of course a joke. But it was significant, because she demonstrated her role as head of the family. Later the day she once more joked about punishing me if I misbehaved. She did not notice my erection.

After the kids were in bed, we had our romantic evening. I pampered her like I had planned on Thursday. We also found time to talk about our argument. I asked her if she despised me for being submissive, to which she replied:

"No of course not. I love you and you may serve me."

While we were talking, she was lying on the couch, while I was sitting on the floor next to her. I told her that I would like to be naked while she is dressed.

"Then undress!" she ordered me. I was in heaven. Just to make sure that she did not misinterpret this, I said: "You don't have to do anything, we can just sit and talk."

To this she smiled and said "I don't intend to do anything. You will fuck me now."

Whow! How long have I be waiting for something like this? But I don't know why, I was foolish enough to ask her "May I lick you before I do that?" She agreed. So I went down on her, but soon she made it clear that she wanted me. While we were making love, I continued to talk about our new type of relationship. How stupid of me, but Princess was very patient today. I tried to last longer, but she ordered me to come. When we make love, she wants me to be her unrestrained animal.

Later she told me that I should not talk so much during sex. She was very kind and gentle, like a mother to her child: "When we make love, don't tell me about all the other things you want to do. Just fuck me."

I replied that these were the only times when we could actually talk about sex and I promised not to do it again. Then she smiled at me and said "And never lick me when I tell you to fuck me." I am such an idiot!

The weekend continued to be wonderful. Sunday night, I was scolded once more, but this time for not doing the laundry the right way. Princess thought it was still too damp for the closet. So I spent the evening ironing, while she was chatting with her friend on the phone. Later, she apologized for being so strict, and again I told her that it is her right to so. In bed, I held her in my arms while she caressed me for a long time. I did not expect any intimacy, because we had plenty of sex in the morning and during the weekend. But when I expected her to turn around she started to touch me. With slow and tender strokes, she made me hot. She got up and kissed the tip of my penis while slowly stroking it. Then she took me deep into her mouth. Then out again. It was heaven. Her strokes became faster, now moving hand and mouth. I was desperate to come. She moved up again, my penis slowly sliding out of her mouth. Another kiss on my purple tip and then she drop it. My erection was throbbing helplessly.

"Do you want me to leave you like this, or should I continue?" she asked.

"Do what you want to do"

"Then I will leave you like this. Good night"

I wanted to beg her to continue, but this time I resisted. Instead I asked "How do you feel about this?"

She answered: "I don't need sex as often as you do, so I have no problem to deny you occasionally."

Life-Work Balance

A typical day:

• 6:30 The alarm clock rings. We cuddle and sleep some more before
• 7:00 we get up.
• 7:00-8:30 I shower, prepare breakfast, I get the kids ready and bring them to school or kindergarten. My wife drives to work.
• 9:00-18:00 I work until at 6pm I go home to send our house maid home.
• 18:00-19:00 I prepare dinner and eat with the kids.
• 19:00 My wife comes home and joins us for dinner
• 19:00-20:00 I get the kids ready, read them a good-night story and bring them to bed
• 20:00-21:00 Clean up the kitchen and most of the apartment
• 21:00-23:00 Relax with my wife. We talk, read, and, very rarely, watch TV
• 23:00 Bed time

Of course the exact times change from day to day, but this is our daily routine.

During the week we only have 1 or 2 hours alone. During this time we have to talk about the kid's school, our work situations and all the little things that you need to do to keep your household alife. By the time we are ready and relaxed enough to get intimate, we are usually too tired. My sex drive keeps me awake, but my wife is often too worn out. And so, over the years, we have neglected our relationship. We are not estranged, but our sex life often slips into a mechanical routine that neither of us enjoys.

I have often tried to break this routine by suggesting one romantic evening per week in which we leave the daily matters behind and concentrate just on us. My wife never liked the idea: "Romance is something spontaneous that you cannot plan" she always said. So eventually I dropped the issue altogether. I think she did not like the romantic evening, because for her it meant prescribed sex.

Recently, however, my wife controls the bedroom. She decides every aspect of our sex life and she loves it. I guess this has taken the tension of her. And now my wife has become sympathetic with the idea of a romantic evening. Last night she proposed to reserve Thursday nights for us. She knows that nothing must happen, but anything may.

Of course I am very anxious not to put any pressure on her. My wife wanted to know what I suggest for our first special evening. I said that I would love to just serve and pamper her. I would be her obedient slave that fulfills her every wish. While she relaxes on the couch, I would bring her drinks, massage her, make her life as sweet as possible.

"That sounds wonderful"

was her answer.

Later in bed, I held her in my arms while she gently caressed my erection. I wanted to know how much she is into her new role, so I said, referring to the organ in her hand,

"This is your personal property, you know?"

To which she replied

"Yes, I'm getting used to the idea."

She continued to caress me for a few more minutes, before she wished me good night and left me aroused and denied.

The following morning, I was sitting on our bed to get dressed and my wife returned from the shower. She stood before me and pulled my head towards her so that my face came to rest between her wonderful naked breasts. It was so exciting. She told me how much she loved me and as I started to kiss her breasts, she added

"Your breasts and my penis."

Obviously she has embraced the idea that she owns my genitals. I had to corrected her and said

"No my love. Your penis and your breasts."

After that she pulled me closer again and held me very tight. I have rarely felt so deeply in love.

Desperate

I have made it a habit to encourage my wife to make decisions and to remind her that she is my boss and the head of the family. If she asks me to do something I will stop what I am doing to execute her wish. When there is something to decide, I let her do it. Of course I will give her my opinion, but without implying a decision. This very hard at times, in particular if the decision seems obvious.

Recently, I observe that our relation is changing. There is an obvious shift in power, caused by my submission. My wife is more assertive than she used to be. She expresses her ideas and opinions with more self-confidence than before. She gets used to having the last word and I think by now she even expects it. She also gives me more assignments than before and expects me to execute them.

So my wife is assuming a more dominant role in our marriage and I she seems to enjoy it. But she is still far from being dominant. When she wants something done, she says it politely. The biggest improvement is that her questions have become statements. For example, she used to say something like "When you have time, would you mind bringing out the garbage?" Now she will simply state :"When you are finished with your food, please bring out the garbage." Usually, I will react immediately to encourage her to continue.

It is also important to my wife that I am not the only one who is doing house work. For example last night. While I was preparing our kids for bed, she vacuumed the apartment. Later, when I was ironing and she insisted on selecting and handing me the next piece of clothing. I guess, it takes more time before she enjoys the new freedom and relaxes on the couch while I do the work.

Our intimate life has definitely improved since I started my campaign. We actually make love more often than before, but now she initiates it. She decides if, when, and what we do in bed. I have no vote in the bedroom.

Last weekend, we made love three times. Every time, she insisted that I have an orgasm. When I tried to stop, she got very upset and scolded me: "I want you to cum when we make love. You told me that my pleasure comes first. You come for my pleasure, not yours! I will deny you at other times."

She did deny me during the week. She teased me Sunday night. More aggressive and forceful than ever. She gently stroke my erection, barely touching it. She did this for a long time. She knew that after a wile I like a firm grip, but she continued gently. Then, when I was not expecting it anymore, she took me deep into her mouth and quickly sucked be to the brink of orgasm. Then she stopped and kissed me passionately while firmly grabbing my balls. She kept her grip and started to bite my neck. I could feel her passion. It was all for her. Then she took me in her mouth again deep and slow. I was about to explode. I could feel that she wanted me to cum in her mouth and I would not resist. Suddenly, she got up and put on her pyjamas. I was floating. I was desperate.

"Did I stop too abruptly?" she asked after she got dressed. My head was dizzy, my mouth was too dry to answer . "Perfect", I croaked finally.

"Good! I only want to be sure that you are happy."
"I am! More than ever."

The next evening, she teased me again, and again she stopped when I was close to orgasm. But this time it was too much for me. I was desperate. After a few sleepless minutes in the dark, I begged her to continue. Without an answer, she turned around and finished me off. It took her less than a minute. Then, without another word, she switched off the light and turned around to slept. I had to clean up the mess in the dark. I felt so humiliated. First, because I begged and second because of the clinical routine and efficiency with which she did it. It was a clear message that she did not appreciate it.

I wished that she had said "No".

Which step comes first?

Scientists are driven by one question: How does it work? Give them a neat little toy and they'll take it apart. Give them a woman and they'll spend the rest of their life trying to figure out how she "works". And if they don't succeed, they'll add a mate and study pairwise interactions. This is science!

The question that's keeping me busy is: How do I make a wife-led-marriage work?

I started my quest in November with a long and painful confession to my wife. Since then I have read many blogs or other web sites on this topic. What I have learned so far is that it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience to turn a marriage into a wife led marriage. I am aware than many things can go wrong during this time.

From the wealth of experience on the internet, I assembled a long, but not exhaustive list of mistakes, that I can make:

• I must communicate my needs and desires,
• but not to quickly.
• I should not complain or hint if I feel neglected.
• I must be patient.
• I must show that I submit to my wife,
• but I should show my wife what I expect from her.
• And while I am slowly leading my wife, I must not top her from the bottom.

There is no royal road to success, but rather many narrow and bumpy paths, some of which may lead to success, while others may head back to Vanilla or even straight to disaster.

So I wonder whether it is possible to plan the many little steps. Which aspects of a WLM are easier to achieve than others? Which steps do I have to take first? Which must be successful, before I can take the next step?