Her Master's Voice

I think it is established now, that my wife is at least as submissive as I am. In bed, she wants to be dominated. She wants to be used. She wants to be forced.

For me this is a difficult situation for I am submissive as well. But when Princess feels better this way, I will do as she wishes. It is my mission to serve her and to make her happy, even if it means to change my role from bottom to top.

I asked Princess what she wants.
"I prefer to be your slave, rather than the other way around"

So I became her master. Her conscious and careful master. I watch her even more than before, to understand her moods and anticipate her desires. Then I act. And when I act, I won't let her stop me. I do what I determined to do.

Her reaction was amazing. I can't remember the last time we had so much passionate sex in a week. But every time, I made sure that I was not carried away by my own desires. I made sure that I cater the needs of my Princess as well. She does not need an orgasm each time, but she needs to be fucked, hard and long. She needs to feel me in her and on top of her. Then she'll be wax in my hands and obey to whatever I command.

One night, I decided that we don't have sex. I wanted to give her a rest. I was in bed reading, when Princess came in. She was tired from a long day at work. It was obvious. But she was a good girl and undressed entirely, and joined me in bed. Ready to be used. I put my arm around her and told her to sleep. She thanked me and we cuddled and talked.
I whispered in her ear that she is now my property and that she exists solely for my pleasure. She pressed her naked body against mine and started to touch me. It was a wonderful gesture of devotion.
"Take me in your mouth and suck me!" I commanded. She obeyed. She took me deep into her mouth and sucked me with passionately. After I while, she sat up and massaged my wet cock. I could feel my orgasm coming.
"Suck me, until I come in your mouth" I ordered and immediately she took me in her mouth again. When I came soon after that, she continued licking, slowly and gentle.
"Good girl" I said. There was no question that apart from my orgasm this was her only reward.

When we make love, it turns me on to be dominant and forceful. But outside the bedroom I find it difficult to keep up Her Master's Voice.

This week I was reminded again and again on At All Times' post from a while ago.
How hard can it be?
How hard can it be to put on a dominant tone?
How hard can it be to order instead of asking?

It is difficult. Very difficult. I've tried.

It is difficult, because our emotions result from what we do. The psychologist William James formulated this idea over 100 years ago.
Our emotions follow our actions rather than the other way around.
We don't smile because we are happy, but we are happy, because we smile.
We don't cry and tremble, because we are sad, but we are sad because we cry and tremble.
Try it out. Smile and you will feel immediately feel happier.

When I am kind and affectionate to Princess, I feel good. I feel love and I feel lust. But when I boss her around and when I put on a strict and unfriendly voice, my emotions change according to what I am doing. I start to feel the way I behave. I don't feel good anymore. I don't feel erotic. It turns me off.

I think it is a good exercise for all submissive men to switch roles once in a while. In particular, when you cannot understand why your wife is not doing to you what you desire and wish for. Just try it out for one week. For me this week was an eye-opener. I now understand why my wife refused to be more demanding, forceful and, well, unfriendly to me. Unless you are in a sexual mood, it simply drags you down.

Love is...

to dream of you when you're away
to serve you every night and day

what you desire I shall do
don't tell me, 'cause I ought to know

for your pleasure I will live
please accept what I can give

Owned

I think there is a lot for us to learn from submissive women.
Persephone so perfectly describes how I feel:

"my submission is dictated by my owners and their wants and desires exclusively
my submission is about trust and dedication and submitting to things that my owners choose for me, whether or not i love those things myself
submission means that while my needs will be met, my wants are unimportant..."
Folded @ Persephone's obedience

Why I don't masturbate (anymore)

Since I was 12, I masturbated every day. Two times, three times a day or more. I needed it.
Even when I had my first girlfriend, I could not keep my fingers off my dick.

I once had girlfriends who just loved sex. She brought me to my physical limits which in my youth were very high. We did it in bed, in the shower, in the kitchen, in the car, in public places, you name it. During weekdays, I could recover while I was at the university, but on a normal weekend she gave me 4 hours between two orgasms. But often it would be more; she just loved to bring me to my limits. Still, with all this abundant and grant sex she was giving, I wanted to masturbate! Whenever I had recovered enough and she left me unattended, I touch myself.
I was addicted to masturbation!

Eventually, we split up and I returned to my old masturbation frequency: Once or twice in the morning and then again before I go to sleep. I kept this up until, well, until I realized that I was addicted.

It was during a business trip last year when I decided to stop. Well, I did not stop entirely. Twice a day, I touched myself for 15 minutes sharp, but without orgasm. I played tease and deny with myself. When the 15 minutes were over, I stopped. I stayed in bed for five more minutes with my eyes closed, relaxing every muscle in my body. I took deep and steady breaths. After that was refreshed and awake like a new born child. All tiredness gone. Feeling awake and terribly sexy (but not horny!). I guess this is what Tantra is about.

When I came back home after a week, my balls were bursting. That night my wife was touching me and I told her what I was very horny and that I was about to explode. She loved my excitement and made me cum within seconds. Princess was amazed by the amount of fluid and the force with which it shot out of my penis. And so was I.

Immediately after, she inquired what I had done to accumulate such an amount of semen. I told her. At first, she did not believe me. Why should she, for she knew that I usually masturbated at least twice a day. So I had to explain again and again that I wanted to save my orgasm for her.

Princess was touched. She kissed me and said "I really appreciate that you did this for me."

This orgasms was special because I had saved it for her. On that day I decided to give her all my orgasms as a gift. For a few weeks, I continued to touch myself, but eventually I asked her whether she would like to own my penis.

"What do you mean, own?" she asked.
"It means that you can touch it whenever you like, for as long as you like. It is yours and I will not touch it. It is a token of my love and devotion for you. Do you want it?", I asked her.
She agreed emphatically.

Since then, I have not masturbated again. I just stopped it. I nether thought that I could do it. But I can. Now, whenever I feel the urge, I think of Princess and how much I love her. I remind myself that it is her property that I would be touching without her consent.

Several times she has told me how much she appreciates my self-enforced chastity. It makes her proud that I save myself just for her.
"It makes me proud what you do for me and I admire your self control" she said during a longer period without sex.
Sometimes it is very hard for me, but because she appreciates what I do for her, I keep my promise.

Staying chaste is one way to show how much I love her. It is a sacrifice for her, a symbolic deed that reminds her every day that I surrender my penis and myself to her.

Staying chaste is also a way to show my solidarity when she is not in the mood. It shows that I am close to her.

Isn't it hard for me to have less orgasms? Sometimes it is, but I am happier and more satisfied than ever. When I masturbate, my orgasms are not satisfying. They satisfy my need to masturbate, but never my desire to be loved and touched. There is no substitute for the touch of my Princess. Now all my orgasms are exceptional. I only cum when she wants it. Only she makes me cum. And when she does, I feel that I am truly hers.

Manifesto

Rika tells us that many men confuse submission with regression. I would go a step further. Many men, including me, don't want to submit, they want to be suppressed (aka dominated).

There is a big difference between submission and being dominated. Submission is a mind-set of the sub or slave. Domination is the mind-set of the mistress. So when we say wife-led or female-led, we focus on the mind set of the woman rather than on our own. For this reason, I like these terms less and less. They emphasize what the wife/female should do for her partner rather than what we can do.

I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!

This is not stealth submission, because she knows about my feelings. She appreciates what I do and feel for her. We have agreed that I am the property of my wife. She can do with me what she wants. Whatever she decides, I want to be happy with it. As her property, who am I to question her?

Submitting to my wife is about her. What can I do for her? The typical answer is: Do all the chores and all the work around the house. But the true answer is more complex. Cleaning the house and doing all the chores may be necessary, but it is not sufficient! After all, I submit to her and not to the house.

First of all, a good slave must anticipate the personal and emotional needs of his mistress. He has to feel what she is feeling. Is she tired and needs rest and comfort, or is she is in the mood for play? The slave must act and behave according to her feelings and emotions. This is more important and more difficult than just being a domestic servant. He has to let go of his own pride and ambitions in favor of hers. He must put her emotional needs and desires above and before his own. On the long run, this can only work if her pleasure become his joy; if my satisfaction depends only on her well being. This is what submission is about.

So my quest has changed. I no longer want to turn my marriage into a "wife lead" marriage. My new goal is to become the perfect slave of my wife through constant self-improvement.

There are three areas where I want to improve:

1. Self-control. Like a monk who devotes his body and soul to God, I want to devote my body and soul to my Goddess. I want to learn how to concentrate just on her and drive all other thoughts and desires from my mind.
   
2. House and family. I strive to free my wife of all unwanted tasks to give her more time for herself and for us.
3. Bed. I strive to become a better lover for my wife. I learn her preferences and anticipate her desires.
   

This was my manifesto for the last weeks. Since then, I have been very careful when I mentioned my wish to submit. I have only mentioned it to motivate why I was doing something for her. I am very happy with my new manifesto, because I no longer depend on her dominating me. If she does, fine. If she doesn't, also fine.

The biggest change for me is of course sexually. I was used to push my preferences and now I try to exclusively cater her needs. In my previous post I reported that I have to learn a lot before I can fully give in to my wife. But I know that I can learn to let go of my selfish thoughts and appreciate that her way is the better way.

What is more important is that my wife is also happy with my new approach. She needn't worry anymore whether she fits my stereotype of a good mistress. She can just do as she likes. This freedom allows her to embrace as much of her new role as she likes. She is free to define the word mistress for herself. And indeed she does.

I must change!

Uniquely Rika's blog has many intelligent and insightful articles on D/s relationships. A recurring theme is the difference between Submission and Regression. She explains it with the following observation:

"These guys [someone like me - Urmel] aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission!

What does this type of submissive say they want?

• They want to obey the wishes of the ultimate beautiful woman - the Goddess Giver
  
• They want to be told what to do, how to act, what is or isn't appropriate behavior
  
• They want to be "Trained"
  
• They want to be punished if they fail to obey
  
• They want to be subordinate to a woman who loves them
  
• They want to be so in love with a woman that they have no resistance to her ultimate will
  
• They want to give up rights to their pleasure and have it in the hands of the woman they unconditionally adore
  
• They want to be swept off their feet and held helplessly (figuratively and often literally)
  

Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!!

I can only agree. So do I want my mother back? No.
Rika has a clear idea of how the sub should be

"... submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be).

Again I can only agree. At the same time my blog is full of complaints that my wife is not playing along.

But honestly, should she? Should she need to change so that I can submit? If I am submissive, shouldn't I be happy if I can make my wife the happiest woman on earth?

So why do I want my wife to change?

I have intensive and detailed fantasies that I want to come true. To achieve this, I am bending the relation to my wife - I am even bending her. Shame on me! I am not servicing her, I am servicing me. I focus on my needs rather than hers.

Of course you have to focus on your needs as well, you may say, otherwise you'll get frustrated and that's not good for your marriage either. True, but what are my needs and why do I get frustrated?

I get frustrated, because I have expectations of how our marriage should develop, how my wife should develop. It is the mismatch between dream and reality that frustrates me. And since no reality can match the perfection of a fantasy, I will always be frustrated.

Fortunately, there is a solution out of this dilemma. And it is simpler than changing my wife.

I truly need to serve my wife. I want to make her the happiest woman on earth. I want to exist for her pleasure. But for all this, I don't need her cooperation. I can just do it. Like Rika, I am convinced that true submission doesn't need the partner to play along. I can just submit. Totally. Unconditionally. Who will stop me?

I can just submit my fantasies and focus on hers instead of mine!
I can just submit my pleasure and focus on hers instead of mine!

Not my wife has to change, I must change.

All this gives me hope. Why? Because it is always easier to change oneself than somebody else. I know already that the change is for the better, I don't have to convince somebody. I can motivate me at any time and need not be polite. No need to communicate, I know everything already.

Of course this will be difficult. Of course I will feel frustrated again. But then it will be because of me and not because of Her! All mistakes will be at the end that I can influence - me.

If I am successful, there will be unconditional love and devotion. I can worship my goddess without the need of regular miracles. But I am sure the more she appreciates my devotion, the more miracles will come.