There is a big difference between submission and being dominated. Submission is a mind-set of the sub or slave. Domination is the mind-set of the mistress. So when we say wife-led or female-led, we focus on the mind set of the woman rather than on our own. For this reason, I like these terms less and less. They emphasize what the wife/female should do for her partner rather than what we can do.
I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!
This is not stealth submission, because she knows about my feelings. She appreciates what I do and feel for her. We have agreed that I am the property of my wife. She can do with me what she wants. Whatever she decides, I want to be happy with it. As her property, who am I to question her?
Submitting to my wife is about her. What can I do for her? The typical answer is: Do all the chores and all the work around the house. But the true answer is more complex. Cleaning the house and doing all the chores may be necessary, but it is not sufficient! After all, I submit to her and not to the house.
First of all, a good slave must anticipate the personal and emotional needs of his mistress. He has to feel what she is feeling. Is she tired and needs rest and comfort, or is she is in the mood for play? The slave must act and behave according to her feelings and emotions. This is more important and more difficult than just being a domestic servant. He has to let go of his own pride and ambitions in favor of hers. He must put her emotional needs and desires above and before his own. On the long run, this can only work if her pleasure become his joy; if my satisfaction depends only on her well being. This is what submission is about.
So my quest has changed. I no longer want to turn my marriage into a "wife lead" marriage. My new goal is to become the perfect slave of my wife through constant self-improvement.
There are three areas where I want to improve:
- Self-control. Like a monk who devotes his body and soul to God, I want to devote my body and soul to my Goddess. I want to learn how to concentrate just on her and drive all other thoughts and desires from my mind.
- House and family. I strive to free my wife of all unwanted tasks to give her more time for herself and for us.
- Bed. I strive to become a better lover for my wife. I learn her preferences and anticipate her desires.
This was my manifesto for the last weeks. Since then, I have been very careful when I mentioned my wish to submit. I have only mentioned it to motivate why I was doing something for her. I am very happy with my new manifesto, because I no longer depend on her dominating me. If she does, fine. If she doesn't, also fine.
The biggest change for me is of course sexually. I was used to push my preferences and now I try to exclusively cater her needs. In my previous post I reported that I have to learn a lot before I can fully give in to my wife. But I know that I can learn to let go of my selfish thoughts and appreciate that her way is the better way.
What is more important is that my wife is also happy with my new approach. She needn't worry anymore whether she fits my stereotype of a good mistress. She can just do as she likes. This freedom allows her to embrace as much of her new role as she likes. She is free to define the word mistress for herself. And indeed she does.
4 comments:
Urmel, my friend, all that is wonderfully selfless. Yet at the same time it is also selfish. In the grand scheme of things being selfish is self-preservation. It is a good thing. In this case, who knows?
For now I say, "The more you dig in to do a certain thing, the more likely you are going to come out the other side doing the opposite.
Maybe it is just my limited intellect that prevents me from seeing the grand picture. Maybe you are onto something grand. If so, I would certainly want to do the same. But for now, all I see in my life is that the more I give and sacrifice, the more responsibility I give to my wife, and she does not want it! I don't want to be a slave (except in some sexy scenarios), for that would waste my intellect, and give her more responsibility. There must be a happy compromise. Let me know how the result of your manifesto works.
SP, I am not sure I can fully follow your comment.
What I try to say is that instead of trying to change/convert my wife, I try to convert myself.
The deepest roots of frustration are things you want to change, but cannot . So before I start to change my surroundings, I try to become a better husband.
There is of course a change of tasks. While I do more of the work, my wife gets to do more deciding. This is something she can live with, if I believe her.
There is a famous quote by Saint Francis of Assisi that I like as my motto for this quest: "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
So starting with the things I can change is my goal, and often everything else follows.
If I am missing something in your comment, please let me know. I really appreciate your advise.
Urmel,
My meaning may not have been clear enough, so I will elucidate. The more one wants to give up control to another person, the more the other person needs to assume responsibility.
I understand what you want to do, but the execution of the plan may fail unless you understand what is involved. You say, "... I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!..." It is a worthy goal, but just think. There can not be an "independent slave". If you are a slave, she will have to make decisions for you, therefore, you are dependent on her.
I don't mean to be picky. I just wanted to point out that the more we try to do the submission thing, the more we are giving up control over our selves, and the more our mistress must assume the control and responsibility. This may not be what she wants.
What I prefer to express is a thought that assumes an intelligent being who chooses to serve given some rules. He takes over the chores of having to make decisions by the one who is in charge. Thereby relieving the boss of trivia, or even important decisions. This is very much like a valued and trusted employer/employee relationship, except that this is very personal. This is the position of the secretary who fends off unwanted calls, takes care of dealing with vendors, paying bills, etc., so that the boss can make the important decisions without having to deal with trivia. This is why I disagree with the man who wants to be a complete slave. It is a nice fantasy, but it can not work.
Getting back to the selfish/selfless scenario, the reasoning is similar. You can become so selfless that you end up being very selfish in your attempts. The thought process in both cases is paradoxical. This is why I said that I can't really see the big picture, and if you come up with an explanation, I want to know it. The best I can do is approximate what my wishes are, and hope that my wife will benefit from it. As for becoming her slave, it would be great from time to time, but totally unrealistic on the long run. She does not want the responsibility, and I am not sure that I could live up to it. Of course, your situtation is unique, so you may succeed where I fail. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the long and clear explanation. I think I get your point. I fully agree. If I am not careful, I may do just the opposite of what I intend. I am aware of that and the wording in my post may have been unclear. After all, this is not my mother tongue.
When I say "perfect slave", I mean perfect for her, not perfectly fitting my stereotypes.
Of course I do have an ideal scenario and I feel the need to express it once in a while, but I am also aware that what comes out in the end will look different.
I am willing to go where my Princess wants to go.
When I say "independent slave", I mean that I don't want to rely on anything my wife does for me. I want to be proactive and I think this is in line with the Queen/knight relationship.
She knows my desires and is very sympathetic about them. She likes to trade work against "management".
I want to go where she takes us.
But what I need to learn is to fill my role. I must learn patience and self control. I must learn to motivate me to do what I promised to. This is where I want to start.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate you
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