Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Wife led marriage?

"Reading aroundherfinger.com was sort of like reading L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics, one of the canonized books of Scientology. In the beginning, the site talks about the woman taking the control in what would be traditionally described as the male role. I first bristled, then caught myself, thinking, “Hey, I can understand a man-led household based on ‘traditionalism,’ why can’t I accept a similar arrangement with the woman as the lead?” Despite my open mind, I quickly learned that “woman-led” was a euphemism. You see, according to this site, a woman-led relationship means that the woman uses domination, including punishments/rewards, with her husband. She controls every aspect of the relationship, and those activities that she chooses not to control are “delegated” to the husband, who is kept on a short leash, so-to-speak.

The most disturbing aspect, I think, is the use of sex and “orgasmic rewards” as a major motivator, like a Milk Bone to a Jack Russel terrier."
from http://howtobeaman.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/wife-led-marriage/

Monday, January 28, 2008

Life-Work Balance

A typical day:
  • 6:30 The alarm clock rings. We cuddle and sleep some more before
  • 7:00 we get up.
  • 7:00-8:30 I shower, prepare breakfast, I get the kids ready and bring them to school or kindergarten. My wife drives to work.
  • 9:00-18:00 I work until at 6pm I go home to send our house maid home.
  • 18:00-19:00 I prepare dinner and eat with the kids.
  • 19:00 My wife comes home and joins us for dinner
  • 19:00-20:00 I get the kids ready, read them a good-night story and bring them to bed
  • 20:00-21:00 Clean up the kitchen and most of the apartment
  • 21:00-23:00 Relax with my wife. We talk, read, and, very rarely, watch TV
  • 23:00 Bed time
Of course the exact times change from day to day, but this is our daily routine.

During the week we only have 1 or 2 hours alone. During this time we have to talk about the kid's school, our work situations and all the little things that you need to do to keep your household alife. By the time we are ready and relaxed enough to get intimate, we are usually too tired. My sex drive keeps me awake, but my wife is often too worn out. And so, over the years, we have neglected our relationship. We are not estranged, but our sex life often slips into a mechanical routine that neither of us enjoys.
I have often tried to break this routine by suggesting one romantic evening per week in which we leave the daily matters behind and concentrate just on us. My wife never liked the idea: "Romance is something spontaneous that you cannot plan" she always said. So eventually I dropped the issue altogether. I think she did not like the romantic evening, because for her it meant prescribed sex.
Recently, however, my wife controls the bedroom. She decides every aspect of our sex life and she loves it. I guess this has taken the tension of her. And now my wife has become sympathetic with the idea of a romantic evening. Last night she proposed to reserve Thursday nights for us. She knows that nothing must happen, but anything may.
Of course I am very anxious not to put any pressure on her. My wife wanted to know what I suggest for our first special evening. I said that I would love to just serve and pamper her. I would be her obedient slave that fulfills her every wish. While she relaxes on the couch, I would bring her drinks, massage her, make her life as sweet as possible.
"That sounds wonderful"
was her answer.

Later in bed, I held her in my arms while she gently caressed my erection. I wanted to know how much she is into her new role, so I said, referring to the organ in her hand,
"This is your personal property, you know?"
To which she replied
"Yes, I'm getting used to the idea."
She continued to caress me for a few more minutes, before she wished me good night and left me aroused and denied.

The following morning, I was sitting on our bed to get dressed and my wife returned from the shower. She stood before me and pulled my head towards her so that my face came to rest between her wonderful naked breasts. It was so exciting. She told me how much she loved me and as I started to kiss her breasts, she added
"Your breasts and my penis."
Obviously she has embraced the idea that she owns my genitals. I had to corrected her and said
"No my love. Your penis and your breasts."
After that she pulled me closer again and held me very tight. I have rarely felt so deeply in love.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Desperate

I have made it a habit to encourage my wife to make decisions and to remind her that she is my boss and the head of the family. If she asks me to do something I will stop what I am doing to execute her wish. When there is something to decide, I let her do it. Of course I will give her my opinion, but without implying a decision. This very hard at times, in particular if the decision seems obvious.

Recently, I observe that our relation is changing. There is an obvious shift in power, caused by my submission. My wife is more assertive than she used to be. She expresses her ideas and opinions with more self-confidence than before. She gets used to having the last word and I think by now she even expects it. She also gives me more assignments than before and expects me to execute them.

So my wife is assuming a more dominant role in our marriage and I she seems to enjoy it. But she is still far from being dominant. When she wants something done, she says it politely. The biggest improvement is that her questions have become statements. For example, she used to say something like "When you have time, would you mind bringing out the garbage?" Now she will simply state :"When you are finished with your food, please bring out the garbage." Usually, I will react immediately to encourage her to continue.

It is also important to my wife that I am not the only one who is doing house work. For example last night. While I was preparing our kids for bed, she vacuumed the apartment. Later, when I was ironing and she insisted on selecting and handing me the next piece of clothing. I guess, it takes more time before she enjoys the new freedom and relaxes on the couch while I do the work.

Our intimate life has definitely improved since I started my campaign. We actually make love more often than before, but now she initiates it. She decides if, when, and what we do in bed. I have no vote in the bedroom.

Last weekend, we made love three times. Every time, she insisted that I have an orgasm. When I tried to stop, she got very upset and scolded me: "I want you to cum when we make love. You told me that my pleasure comes first. You come for my pleasure, not yours! I will deny you at other times."

She did deny me during the week. She teased me Sunday night. More aggressive and forceful than ever. She gently stroke my erection, barely touching it. She did this for a long time. She knew that after a wile I like a firm grip, but she continued gently. Then, when I was not expecting it anymore, she took me deep into her mouth and quickly sucked be to the brink of orgasm. Then she stopped and kissed me passionately while firmly grabbing my balls. She kept her grip and started to bite my neck. I could feel her passion. It was all for her. Then she took me in her mouth again deep and slow. I was about to explode. I could feel that she wanted me to cum in her mouth and I would not resist. Suddenly, she got up and put on her pyjamas. I was floating. I was desperate.

"Did I stop too abruptly?" she asked after she got dressed. My head was dizzy, my mouth was too dry to answer . "Perfect", I croaked finally.

"Good! I only want to be sure that you are happy."
"I am! More than ever."

The next evening, she teased me again, and again she stopped when I was close to orgasm. But this time it was too much for me. I was desperate. After a few sleepless minutes in the dark, I begged her to continue. Without an answer, she turned around and finished me off. It took her less than a minute. Then, without another word, she switched off the light and turned around to slept. I had to clean up the mess in the dark. I felt so humiliated. First, because I begged and second because of the clinical routine and efficiency with which she did it. It was a clear message that she did not appreciate it.

I wished that she had said "No".

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Which step comes first?

Scientists are driven by one question: How does it work? Give them a neat little toy and they'll take it apart. Give them a woman and they'll spend the rest of their life trying to figure out how she "works". And if they don't succeed, they'll add a mate and study pairwise interactions. This is science!

The question that's keeping me busy is: How do I make a wife-led-marriage work?
I started my quest in November with a long and painful confession to my wife. Since then I have read many blogs or other web sites on this topic. What I have learned so far is that it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience to turn a marriage into a wife led marriage. I am aware than many things can go wrong during this time.

From the wealth of experience on the internet, I assembled a long, but not exhaustive list of mistakes, that I can make:
  • I must communicate my needs and desires,
  • but not to quickly.
  • I should not complain or hint if I feel neglected.
  • I must be patient.
  • I must show that I submit to my wife,
  • but I should show my wife what I expect from her.
  • And while I am slowly leading my wife, I must not top her from the bottom.
There is no royal road to success, but rather many narrow and bumpy paths, some of which may lead to success, while others may head back to Vanilla or even straight to disaster.

So I wonder whether it is possible to plan the many little steps. Which aspects of a WLM are easier to achieve than others? Which steps do I have to take first? Which must be successful, before I can take the next step?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Lost orgasm

Last night my wife was caressing me in bed. She often does it when she is tired and feels that I need some attention. Wonderful, isn't she. Since my confession, she started to tease and deny me. I told her that I don't want to know whether she will let me cum or not.
The first few times, I told her when I was near the point of no return, but she soon learned to read the signs and now I can just relax and enjoy.

Last night, she started slowly. Her finger tips barely touching my penis. She knows that this makes it very sensitive. Then she grabbed me and increased her pace until I was near the edge. Just in time, she slowed down, again barely touching me with just one finger. Time to relax and enjoy.

She repeated this a number of times. Always bringing me close to orgasm and then stopping just before the point. The intervals between stimulation and rest became shorter and shorter. So at some point, I was floating at the edge of orgasm. It was wonderful. My mind drifted. My body was an erection. What else do you want to be?

Then it happened. She stopped just a bit too late. For what seemed like an eternity, I was at the edge, not knowing whether I will cum or not. I felt like a rope artist who desperately tries to maintain his balance. One mistake and you fall. And I did.

It was one of my involuntary contractions that gave me the rest. My penis became even harder than before. It was ready to shoot its load. But a forceful orgasm needs persistent stimulation. So instead of a mighty orgasm, I could feel the helpless spasms of my dying erection. Within a few seconds my penis had shriveled and I could feel my cum leaking out on my belly.

When my wife realized what had happened, she resumed her stimulation, but it was too late. I had ejaculated without pleasure. Interestingly, after a few minutes, my erection was back and stayed for the rest of the night.

My wife apologized, but I told her that there was no reason. I told her that I had actually fantasized about this many times. She was surprised. So let's see whether this will become part of her tease and deny repertoire. I think I would have enjoyed it much more if my wife had done it on purpose.

Before I started this post, I saw that something similar happened to the author of one of my favorite blogs. So I wonder how many orgasms are ruined on this planet every minute...

Monday, January 14, 2008

Orgasm control

Orgasm control seems to be a central part of a WLM. The wife takes full control (and responsibility) over her husbands sexuality. She decides if, when, and how the lover is allowed to have an orgasm. She can use her power to redirect her husbands attention away from his own pleasure towards hers. Her pleasure comes first and she should have considerably more orgasms than him. The wife can also use his orgasms to gratify or punish him for good or bad behavior. If his performance is not satisfactory, he must wait for some more days, before his pressure is released. The women literally owns her man's sexuality. Of course this is a big turn-on for submissive men.

But I think there is something else that makes Orgasm Control so appealing for men, despite the deprivation and frustration that comes with it.

Orgasm Control turns around the traditional roles in which the men advance the women for mating.
Men have high-paced hormonal clocks that dictate them to ejaculate regularly. So a man must take the initiative. Women have their own hormonal clock. It is, in my experience, slower and not primarily tuned to maximize reproductive output. In the blissful days of a young love, a woman will often give in to the advances of her man, but once these days have passed, she will listen to her inner clock. She will reject him, if she is not in the mood. We all know this too well.

For us men, the female lust cycle is an unpredictable mystery, a prime source of frustration. So wouldn't it be wonderful to reverse this situation? Wouldn't it be so much easier if men could just ignore their inner clocks and simply wait for the mating call of the female? And if your hear her divine whistle, you just obey her desires, fueled by your accumulated lust. Now the woman initiates sex and the husband is more than happy to obey. No more rejections and more attention. I think this is what many men hope to get when they submit their sexuality to their wives.

Of course I love the idea of Orgasm Control and I discussed this with my Princess. Her reaction was positive; she would give it a try. Now some weeks have passed and, as you may guess from my previous posts, we are not there. I discussed with my Princess why she is reluctant.

My wife was very honest: "There is nothing in it for me that I don't have now. So why should I deny you any orgasms?"

First, she said, that I already did most of the work around the house. We are both working, and since my hours are more flexible working than hers, I take care of the kids and most of the house-work. "Why should I motivate you to do any more? If I do, you will be too tired to be useful."

Second, my wife wants my orgasms. She loves to watch me at the moment of highest pleasure. She wants to see how I spurt. All this is important for her and orgasm control would take a lot of it away. She also enjoys my uninhibited lust. She does not like it if I delay my orgasm. In fact, she often encourages me to come as quickly as I want or need. After I am done, she is usually content. Of course this it also a big turn-on for me. I am her toy and she takes pleasure from watching me. But it runs counter to the idea of Orgasm Control.

So from my wife's point of view, there is no incentive for controlling my orgasms. This leaves me with the question of how I can convince her to doing it anyway. Currently my hope is that our developing WLM will make her more demanding and that she will eventually start controlling (i.e. denying) my orgasms.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Control versus initiative

My wife likes to be in control. Often, when I propose how we should do this or that around the house, she will present her solution. And in many cases she has considered some circumstances that escaped my attention. So she obviously plans many things ahead. If I agree to her solution without long discussions, she is noticeably pleased. Likewise, she will defend her ideas. This keeps my hope alive that she will some day assume her position as head of the family.

At the same time my wife does not like to take initiative. She does not like to tell me what to do.

My wife expects that I know what to do without being told, even in the bedroom. After I first confessed my submissive fantasies to her, I stopped my sexual advances and waited until she would make the first move. But very quickly she became frustrated and told me that I should take the initiative. She wishes me to approach her as often as I feel the need. This does not mean that she will always play along. More often than not she will reject my advances. This used to leave me frustrated and rejected. But then I realized, that my wife separated control from initiative, while I did not. Whenever I took initiative, I also wanted to be in control. Whenever I was the active part, I fell fall back into my old macho patterns.

After a long conversation with my Princess, I have learned that she wants to see how much I desire her. With every advance for sex that I make, I give her the opportunity to exercise her power. If she wishes that I try to initiate sex as often as I feel and I will obey. And if she wishes to reject me most of the time, I can nurture my submissive feelings from the humiliation that I feel in these situations.

Friday, January 4, 2008

The start

My Princess knows my desire to be her obedient slave. But sometimes I feel the desire to dominate her. It is as if I have two personalities - the slave and the master. I must be in either of the two modes. If I am in between, I feel frustrated.

Before Christmas, we had started a trial period where only she was allowed to initiate sex. It worked fine for a while, but then she got frustrated by this responsibility. She wanted me to take initiative. She wanted me to be in control.
She told me literally "You can fuck me whenever you want to, day and night."
In the past, she would often refuse my approaches, so I was surprised by this offer.
But I accepted it. I took control and approached her whenever I was horny. We made love when I wanted to. She enjoyed my forcefulness.
But only for two days. Then she made it clear that she needed days without sex. Since then I am reverting to submissive mode and I let her decide what is happening.
Now she seems to be more comfortable to be in charge of our sex life, but she still has problems to focus on her pleasure. Although she does not want to, she falls back into the old pattern of pleasing me.

One example. Often she is too tired in the evenings for sex, but she enjoys cuddling and touching. So we undress and I gently stroke her back to help her relax. In return she will touch my member. But this brings her into the routine of masturbating me. Although she is too tired, she feels obliged to bring me to orgasm. By now I can tell when she is in this mood and I remind her in nice words that she can stop at any time. I remind her that my sexuality is her property and it is her privilege to do with it whatever she likes. Usually she excuses herself and goes to sleep.

But I think she still needs more time to get used to the idea that I don't need an orgasm every time we touch. After I pressured her for such a long time to satisfy me needs, she cannot get used to the idea that I suddenly enjoy denial.

The latest improvement is that she will allow me to touch myself, but without allowing me to orgasm. Before that she would try to convince me that orgasms are good and that I should masturbate to orgasm.

When we make love she usually insists that I come first. She obviously enjoys seeing me in the state of ecstasy. I think it will be a long way until she will deny me an orgasm when we make love.