Orgasm control (2)

Princess has developed a beautiful technique to tease and deny me. She will start when I still have my boxers on. She gently strokes over my penis. Just enough so that it does not tickle. She enjoys how I react. She loves to feel it grow. While she does this, her head rest on my chest. She can feel my breath, she can hear my heart, its beat resonating in my chest. Faster with every touch.
"You want to take these off?" she will whisper eventually, pulling my boxers down just a bit. Moments later I am nude.

Princess takes hold of her property and firmly grips my balls. My penis replies with a quick jump. Then Princess resumes caressing my penis. Just the tips of her fingers. Gently up the shaft to the tip. Then down again. Another firm pull on the balls to make sure I don't fall asleep. Now I am ready for more, but she goes on gently. This goes on for minutes. I drift away. I float in a pleasurable state that will never reach orgasm.
When I don't expect it, she takes my penis in her hand. One, two, three quick strokes. Just enough to elevate me closer to the climax. But never getting there. When I have just realized what has happened, she will slow down again. I float again. A bit closer to climax than before, but still not there.
Suddenly she gets up. Will she deny me tonight? Should I be happy that the lives my fantasy, or should I beg her to continue?

But instead of turning around, she bends down and takes my throbbing member in her warm mouth. Her heat and softness drive me crazy. With her soft lips she brings me to the brink of orgasm. She grips the base of my penis and moves her mouth up and down a few times. I'm almost there. She knows it. My tip is like a red ripe cherry. She kisses it.
"Good night beautiful penis." she says and turns around to sleep.

The next evening I hope that the story continues, but she is too tired. I can feel the tension in my balls. The following night, she invites me to make love. I am in heaven as I dive into her wetness. In the recent weeks, I have tried to last longer when we make love. There are some techniques that work well for me. She likes it rough, so I start fast. Usually, this desensitizes me and I can go on for a long time. Or I try to put myself in her position. I imagine what it feels like to be her. This helps me to anticipate what she might like next and it diverts the attention from my own approaching climax.

But today nothing works. I am just too loaded and after just a couple of minutes I have to tell her that we must slow down. I feel defeated. I want to be her lasting lover.
"Please go on" she says, "it feels so good when you come." and so I do.

Later I ask her "I hope it was good for you?"
"Yes, very good. But I think you need more orgasms to last longer."

What should I say now? Is there anything the will not offend her? And, do I want more orgasms? Isn't the idea about submission to be denied? Every orgasm is well earned?

"I have as many orgasms as you wish" I finally answer. She seems happy with this answer.

But now I am thinking. Why are we so keen on being denied? Is it the lack of sex that drives us into submission and then we turn denial into a fetish? I am not sure.

I imagine what it would be like if I had many orgasms. I imagine what it would be like if she ordered me to masturbate to orgasm every day. Not for my pleasure, but to make me last longer when we make love. Like you walk your dog around the block so that it can pee she will walk me to the toilet to masturbate under her supervision.

This fantasy turned me on. I keep thinking about it all the time. So at least for me it is not being denied that is arousing, it is being controlled. If my orgasms are controlled by Her, I feel incredibly submissive.

Deep inside I have a strong desire to be owned, to be treated like I am owned. Whatever gives me this feeling is fine. If she denies me I have this feeling, but also if she orders me to masturbate to exhaustion. By contrast, I get frustrated if I feel that she does not care. Fortunately, this gets less and less. The more care about her, the more she cares about me.

Manifesto

Rika tells us that many men confuse submission with regression. I would go a step further. Many men, including me, don't want to submit, they want to be suppressed (aka dominated).

There is a big difference between submission and being dominated. Submission is a mind-set of the sub or slave. Domination is the mind-set of the mistress. So when we say wife-led or female-led, we focus on the mind set of the woman rather than on our own. For this reason, I like these terms less and less. They emphasize what the wife/female should do for her partner rather than what we can do.

I want to submit to my wife without conditions. I can just do it, I don't depend on her! What a wonderful feeling! I am an independent slave!

This is not stealth submission, because she knows about my feelings. She appreciates what I do and feel for her. We have agreed that I am the property of my wife. She can do with me what she wants. Whatever she decides, I want to be happy with it. As her property, who am I to question her?

Submitting to my wife is about her. What can I do for her? The typical answer is: Do all the chores and all the work around the house. But the true answer is more complex. Cleaning the house and doing all the chores may be necessary, but it is not sufficient! After all, I submit to her and not to the house.

First of all, a good slave must anticipate the personal and emotional needs of his mistress. He has to feel what she is feeling. Is she tired and needs rest and comfort, or is she is in the mood for play? The slave must act and behave according to her feelings and emotions. This is more important and more difficult than just being a domestic servant. He has to let go of his own pride and ambitions in favor of hers. He must put her emotional needs and desires above and before his own. On the long run, this can only work if her pleasure become his joy; if my satisfaction depends only on her well being. This is what submission is about.

So my quest has changed. I no longer want to turn my marriage into a "wife lead" marriage. My new goal is to become the perfect slave of my wife through constant self-improvement.

There are three areas where I want to improve:

1. Self-control. Like a monk who devotes his body and soul to God, I want to devote my body and soul to my Goddess. I want to learn how to concentrate just on her and drive all other thoughts and desires from my mind.
   
2. House and family. I strive to free my wife of all unwanted tasks to give her more time for herself and for us.
3. Bed. I strive to become a better lover for my wife. I learn her preferences and anticipate her desires.
   

This was my manifesto for the last weeks. Since then, I have been very careful when I mentioned my wish to submit. I have only mentioned it to motivate why I was doing something for her. I am very happy with my new manifesto, because I no longer depend on her dominating me. If she does, fine. If she doesn't, also fine.

The biggest change for me is of course sexually. I was used to push my preferences and now I try to exclusively cater her needs. In my previous post I reported that I have to learn a lot before I can fully give in to my wife. But I know that I can learn to let go of my selfish thoughts and appreciate that her way is the better way.

What is more important is that my wife is also happy with my new approach. She needn't worry anymore whether she fits my stereotype of a good mistress. She can just do as she likes. This freedom allows her to embrace as much of her new role as she likes. She is free to define the word mistress for herself. And indeed she does.

Sexual Nirvana?

I have a problem. Whatever I do for my Princess, or whatever she does to me, I compare what is happening to my fantasies. I can't help it. I cannot switch of my brain.

Let me illustrate what I mean.

The kids are in bed. Princess is tired from a long day at work and relaxes on the couch, her eyes closed, listening to her favorite music.

I try to help her relaxing, kneeling before her. I gently stroke her hair. "Now she relaxes and may be ready for some intimacy." I think, but immediately after that I fear that she may relax just a little too much and then she'll be tired, too tired.

She opens her eyes with a tired smile: "We should get ready. Tomorrow I have to get up early." It is 10pm. While Princess gets ready in the bathroom I clean up behind us and put our daughter once more on the toilet. Potty training. I use the other bathroom to get ready and since there is nothing more for me to do, I get ready and wait for my Princess to return.

After a while she returns from the bathroom, still dressed. She prepares her dress for tomorrow. She will never let me do this. So I sit read.

When I look up again, she steps out of her pants and undoes her blouse. I admire her shape. With one skillful movement she opens her bra and throws it away. Two perfectly shaped breasts. The sight I've been waiting for. Princess grabs a t-shirt for the night and puts it on. Now I know that she is too tired. If she had put it next to her pillow instead, there would have been a chance that we will make love. But I don't waste a thought on this anymore. Rather I want to cherish every second of her brief nudity.

Today I am lucky. Years of washing and wearing have made the fabric of her t-shirt thin and transparent. So now I get a good view of her erect nipples. I am in heaven. "You are so beautiful." I whisper. "Thank you." she says. If only she believed me.

Princess quickly joins me and rests her head on my chest. She is so warm, so soft. I inhale her scent and close my eyes. My penis is hard. I gently stroke her hair. With my other hand I gently stroke her shoulder blades, down her spine, until I reach her buttox. With my eyes closed I try to imagine every inch of skin that I tough. My fingers caress her hips and then move slowly up along her waist back to her shoulders. She loves my gentle touch and relaxes completely. Imagining her makes me so horny.

But after a few minutes, my mind begins to roam. Selfish desires crawl up. "Come on, touch me!" I think, "Touch me before I go limp." Instantly, I get annoyed. I should concentrate on her pleasure, don't I? Can't I just be and enjoy the tenderness of the moment?

I try to focus on Princess again. What can I do to make it more exciting for her? Can I do more? Am I too boring?

Suddenly, she pulls my side of the covers down and exposes me. I know well what this means. Her hand touches my belly and moves slowly down to my crotch. With her palm she feels my penis through my boxers. Often my erection is almost gone by now. "Is she disappointed?" I try to think of something sexy to make it grow again, but it never works. Fortunately I don't have a problem today. I am as hard as I can be.

"You can undress if you like" she says. Too polite. "Why doesn't she say 'undress!'" I think. Shame on me again!

I comply and remove my boxers. We resume our position and she starts caressing me with her finger tips. Slowly she strokes my penis from the tip down to the balls, then up again. Barely touching me. Sometimes she concentrates on the sensitive skin just below the glans. Sometimes she squeezes balls while firmly pulling the skin down. Then she may masturbate me for a few strokes. Always changing the pace from slow to fast and back again, never keeping one method for long. Slowly my excitement builds up, unbearably slow. Now my mind is almost empty.

But only almost. I am still caressing her back. Should I concentrate on her or should I just relax and enjoy her attention? Would she prefer something else? "Would you like to make love?" I ask. "No, I am tired". So I can relax I think, but soon I wonder whether she will finish me off or deny me. I don't know which I prefer. If she denies me I will be frustrated, but I know that she "thinks Dom". My body wants an orgasm badly. Why can't I just cherish the moment? Why can't I just relax and be her toy? Instead I spoil my pleasure with stupid thoughts.

After a few minutes, she firmly grips my penis and starts jerking me off. Skillfully, not too fast and not too slow. A steady rhythm and no more pause. At this rate, I'll have my orgasm within a few seconds. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I have often tried to resist, but she knows my body like a mechanic knows his engine. She has scheduled my orgasm and it will be on time. Before I can think anything else my thoughts are flushed by the orgasm and my mind is finally at peace.

For me submission means to fully give up your thoughts and desires. Not only do your told, but also be what your told. I want to be her toy, her pet. Does Sexual Nirvana exist? The state of total happiness and fulfillment? The state where I exist only for her pleasure. The state where my desires cease to exist?

What are your fantasies?

I have lots of sexual fantasies. Some of them are very common others maybe not. For example, I am submissive. I dream about being dominated, humiliated, spanked, displayed and used, and many other things in this direction. I also have a dominant side. I love it when my wife kneels before me and blows me until I come in her mouth. I also have many fantasies where I am a submissive girl who is used and humiliated my many men.

During our marriage, I have told Princess many of my fantasies. She also knows most of my sexual desires and preferences. This is good for me. She can bring me to orgasm within seconds. Anytime. Anywhere. She just knows. I am so grateful.

But I can't recall that we ever talked about her fantasies. Shame on me! Her preferences? I am not sure. The only feedback I get are her orgasms. I think she prefers the missionary position and so far her only orgasms have been oral. If she is relaxed, she likes intimacy. If not, forget it. But that's about it.

So now, after almost 15 years of intimacy, I want to get to know her. Her secret thoughts and desires. Her fantasies. But I have no idea how.

The other night I asked:
"Is there something that arouses you? Something besides kissing and touching?"

Her first response was the reflex, her typical response if she feels pressured:

"To enjoy sex, I need to be relaxed and in the mood"

"I know Princess. Let's assume you are relaxed. So what, besides kissing and touching, will bring you into the mood?"

"I like intelligent erotica or well made movies."

This is a start. I still don't know about her preferences, but I can look for some erotica and read it to her (any recommendations?).

But what about fantasies? I actually don't know whether she has sexual fantasies. If I ask her, she we will say something like:

"I think about us making love."

This is not a fantasy but a memory, right?

I must admit that I use most of my fantasies to masturbate. So maybe Princess does the same?

I have asked her many times:

"Princess, what do you think about when you masturbate?"

"I don't masturbate."

"You don't? Why not?

"I feel silly, and besides, why should I masturbate if I have you?"

Then she grins and the subject is closed. The only time I know where she has masturbated was during a phone call when I was out of the country for several weeks. But even then it took one hour of phone sex to get her in the mood.

Fortunately, she is more willing to share her sexual desires since I started to concentrate on her pleasure. When we made love last night, she told me what to do:

"when we make love I don't want you to hold back. I love it when you are wild and out of control."

"You want me to be wild like an animal"

"Oh yes!"

So I we made lov....., no, well, I fucked her hard and wild. She wanted it, she got it. Of course I held back my orgasm. But she didn't care, because she wanted to be fucked for a long time. I had to muster all my strength not to come early. When she finally moaned "Come for me!" I came instantly.

Can I be the rough lover and feel submissive at the same time? I think yes. It's the classic story of Beauty and the Beast.

I must change!

Uniquely Rika's blog has many intelligent and insightful articles on D/s relationships. A recurring theme is the difference between Submission and Regression. She explains it with the following observation:

"These guys [someone like me - Urmel] aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission!

What does this type of submissive say they want?

• They want to obey the wishes of the ultimate beautiful woman - the Goddess Giver
  
• They want to be told what to do, how to act, what is or isn't appropriate behavior
  
• They want to be "Trained"
  
• They want to be punished if they fail to obey
  
• They want to be subordinate to a woman who loves them
  
• They want to be so in love with a woman that they have no resistance to her ultimate will
  
• They want to give up rights to their pleasure and have it in the hands of the woman they unconditionally adore
  
• They want to be swept off their feet and held helplessly (figuratively and often literally)
  

Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!!

I can only agree. So do I want my mother back? No.
Rika has a clear idea of how the sub should be

"... submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be).

Again I can only agree. At the same time my blog is full of complaints that my wife is not playing along.

But honestly, should she? Should she need to change so that I can submit? If I am submissive, shouldn't I be happy if I can make my wife the happiest woman on earth?

So why do I want my wife to change?

I have intensive and detailed fantasies that I want to come true. To achieve this, I am bending the relation to my wife - I am even bending her. Shame on me! I am not servicing her, I am servicing me. I focus on my needs rather than hers.

Of course you have to focus on your needs as well, you may say, otherwise you'll get frustrated and that's not good for your marriage either. True, but what are my needs and why do I get frustrated?

I get frustrated, because I have expectations of how our marriage should develop, how my wife should develop. It is the mismatch between dream and reality that frustrates me. And since no reality can match the perfection of a fantasy, I will always be frustrated.

Fortunately, there is a solution out of this dilemma. And it is simpler than changing my wife.

I truly need to serve my wife. I want to make her the happiest woman on earth. I want to exist for her pleasure. But for all this, I don't need her cooperation. I can just do it. Like Rika, I am convinced that true submission doesn't need the partner to play along. I can just submit. Totally. Unconditionally. Who will stop me?

I can just submit my fantasies and focus on hers instead of mine!
I can just submit my pleasure and focus on hers instead of mine!

Not my wife has to change, I must change.

All this gives me hope. Why? Because it is always easier to change oneself than somebody else. I know already that the change is for the better, I don't have to convince somebody. I can motivate me at any time and need not be polite. No need to communicate, I know everything already.

Of course this will be difficult. Of course I will feel frustrated again. But then it will be because of me and not because of Her! All mistakes will be at the end that I can influence - me.

If I am successful, there will be unconditional love and devotion. I can worship my goddess without the need of regular miracles. But I am sure the more she appreciates my devotion, the more miracles will come.