Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What are your fantasies?

I have lots of sexual fantasies. Some of them are very common others maybe not. For example, I am submissive. I dream about being dominated, humiliated, spanked, displayed and used, and many other things in this direction. I also have a dominant side. I love it when my wife kneels before me and blows me until I come in her mouth. I also have many fantasies where I am a submissive girl who is used and humiliated my many men.

During our marriage, I have told Princess many of my fantasies. She also knows most of my sexual desires and preferences. This is good for me. She can bring me to orgasm within seconds. Anytime. Anywhere. She just knows. I am so grateful.

But I can't recall that we ever talked about her fantasies. Shame on me! Her preferences? I am not sure. The only feedback I get are her orgasms. I think she prefers the missionary position and so far her only orgasms have been oral. If she is relaxed, she likes intimacy. If not, forget it. But that's about it.

So now, after almost 15 years of intimacy, I want to get to know her. Her secret thoughts and desires. Her fantasies. But I have no idea how.

The other night I asked:
"Is there something that arouses you? Something besides kissing and touching?"

Her first response was the reflex, her typical response if she feels pressured:

"To enjoy sex, I need to be relaxed and in the mood"

"I know Princess. Let's assume you are relaxed. So what, besides kissing and touching, will bring you into the mood?"

"I like intelligent erotica or well made movies."

This is a start. I still don't know about her preferences, but I can look for some erotica and read it to her (any recommendations?).

But what about fantasies? I actually don't know whether she has sexual fantasies. If I ask her, she we will say something like:

"I think about us making love."

This is not a fantasy but a memory, right?

I must admit that I use most of my fantasies to masturbate. So maybe Princess does the same?

I have asked her many times:

"Princess, what do you think about when you masturbate?"

"I don't masturbate."

"You don't? Why not?

"I feel silly, and besides, why should I masturbate if I have you?"

Then she grins and the subject is closed. The only time I know where she has masturbated was during a phone call when I was out of the country for several weeks. But even then it took one hour of phone sex to get her in the mood.

Fortunately, she is more willing to share her sexual desires since I started to concentrate on her pleasure. When we made love last night, she told me what to do:

"when we make love I don't want you to hold back. I love it when you are wild and out of control."

"You want me to be wild like an animal"

"Oh yes!"

So I we made lov....., no, well, I fucked her hard and wild. She wanted it, she got it. Of course I held back my orgasm. But she didn't care, because she wanted to be fucked for a long time. I had to muster all my strength not to come early. When she finally moaned "Come for me!" I came instantly.

Can I be the rough lover and feel submissive at the same time? I think yes. It's the classic story of Beauty and the Beast.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I must change!

Uniquely Rika's blog has many intelligent and insightful articles on D/s relationships. A recurring theme is the difference between Submission and Regression. She explains it with the following observation:
"These guys [someone like me - Urmel] aren't really selfish; they've simply confused Regression with Submission!

What does this type of submissive say they want?
  • They want to obey the wishes of the ultimate beautiful woman - the Goddess Giver
  • They want to be told what to do, how to act, what is or isn't appropriate behavior
  • They want to be "Trained"
  • They want to be punished if they fail to obey
  • They want to be subordinate to a woman who loves them
  • They want to be so in love with a woman that they have no resistance to her ultimate will
  • They want to give up rights to their pleasure and have it in the hands of the woman they unconditionally adore
  • They want to be swept off their feet and held helplessly (figuratively and often literally)
Who provides all of this in our vanilla lives? Our Mothers!!!
I can only agree. So do I want my mother back? No.
Rika has a clear idea of how the sub should be
"... submission to me is about doing FOR me, not about what I do TO the sub. It's domme-centric. I insist the sub work to please me, to strive to anticipate my needs, and to be an INDEPENDENT thinker who's sole intent is my pleasure. I don't want him to be an 'id-driven' child who awaits orders or tries to find loopholes in the house rules, or worse who disobeys to gain attention. I want him to be a man, who's secure in his desire and intelligent enough to think for himself to provide the self discipline required to serve without the threat of punishment. I'm not a vessel for his stress relief (unless I choose to be).
Again I can only agree. At the same time my blog is full of complaints that my wife is not playing along.

But honestly, should she? Should she need to change so that I can submit? If I am submissive, shouldn't I be happy if I can make my wife the happiest woman on earth?

So why do I want my wife to change?

I have intensive and detailed fantasies that I want to come true. To achieve this, I am bending the relation to my wife - I am even bending her. Shame on me! I am not servicing her, I am servicing me. I focus on my needs rather than hers.

Of course you have to focus on your needs as well,
you may say, otherwise you'll get frustrated and that's not good for your marriage either. True, but what are my needs and why do I get frustrated?

I get frustrated, because I have expectations of how our marriage should develop, how my wife should develop. It is the mismatch between dream and reality that frustrates me. And since no reality can match the perfection of a fantasy, I will always be frustrated.

Fortunately, there is a solution out of this dilemma. And it is simpler than changing my wife.

I truly need to serve my wife. I want to make her the happiest woman on earth. I want to exist for her pleasure. But for all this, I don't need her cooperation. I can just do it. Like Rika, I am convinced that true submission doesn't need the partner to play along. I can just submit. Totally. Unconditionally. Who will stop me?

I can just submit my fantasies and focus on hers instead of mine!
I can just submit my pleasure and focus on hers instead of mine!

Not my wife has to change, I must change.

All this gives me hope. Why? Because it is always easier to change oneself than somebody else. I know already that the change is for the better, I don't have to convince somebody. I can motivate me at any time and need not be polite. No need to communicate, I know everything already.

Of course this will be difficult. Of course I will feel frustrated again. But then it will be because of me and not because of Her! All mistakes will be at the end that I can influence - me.

If I am successful, there will be unconditional love and devotion. I can worship my goddess without the need of regular miracles. But I am sure the more she appreciates my devotion, the more miracles will come.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The state of my campaign

I wish I could give a clear statement about the state of my campaign.

Princess is positive about many aspects of my new behavior. She likes to be in charge. She likes the attention I give her and she certainly likes that to be in charge of the bedroom. That said, there are things that she is not comfortable with, to put it mildly.

My Princess wants a strong partner. She does not want to dominate me. Although it is my strong desire to be humiliated at times, she may never do it.

I have also reduced my share of the daily chores to a more reasonable amount. Princess did not like that I spend so much time cleaning, washing, and ironing. At first I was confused, because I thought "what could be nicer than to relax while your husband does all the work?"

She simply said: "I don't want to sit here alone while you are doing all the work. I want to help you, so we have more time together!"

Point granted. It is all for her pleasure, so why should she enjoy that I spend the entire evening in the kitchen cleaning up. Both my wife and I are working full time. My wife has to commute one hour, so she get home an hour later than I do. Both our jobs are intellectually demanding and when we come home we are exhausted. If we want to spend at least half an hour together, we simply have no choice, but to share the work.

So for the time being, we are on equal terms, only that she has the last word, if we don't agree.

I will take things more slowly. From her perspective, it is indeed weird that I suddenly get excited by doing house work. She cannot appreciate that it gives me the chance to submit to her orders. If I was the traditional patriarch of the family, and my wife would spend more and more time cleaning, I would think that she has become neurotic.

I have decided to concentrate my efforts of those aspects of WLM that Princess enjoys most. She loves her new power in the bedroom. She is not dominating me, mind you, but she likes that I focus on her pleasure. She likes to decide if, when, and how we are intimate. The last few times she actually said "we should do this more often." So I will try to pamper her even more.

I am not sure that she likes to control my orgasms. I think she sees no point in it. What she likes, however, is that she does not have to decide from the beginning how far we go. She can start being intimate and stop anytime if she feels she is too tired for more.

So for now, she likes to be in charge. Let's see, how she grows into her now role.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Ups and downs

Shortly before Christmas, my wife had broken her arm and since then, she was unable to use it. The interesting side effect of this was, that I had to do all of the work around the house and my wife had to sit and watch. I am sure that this period helped her to appreciate her new role as head of the house. On Monday, after five long weeks, the cast was removed and I was curious to see what will happen. Will she fall back into her old behavior of doing most work around the house?

Monday evening, she resumed an old habit that she could not practice because of her broken arm. When we went to bed, she told me to strip and lie down. She then sat between my legs, still fully dressed and gave me a mind blowing blow job.
Shortly before I reached climax, she sat up and stroked my slowly with her hands. I did not know whether she would deny me or not, until she said "Come for me!". This sent me over the edge and she watched with pleasure how I made a mess of myself. What a great start of the week!

The following two days were uneventful. Princess was too tired to lead and too tired for intimacy. Every night, she just said good night and turned around to sleep.

Thursday was the day of our planned our romantic evening. I had high expectations, because not much had happened during the week. All day, I thought of something special for my Princess. Something that she would enjoy. But I had a hard day at work, so I decided to just pamper her in every possible way.
When I got home, my son still had homework to do. And when it was time for our kids to go to bed, he was still not done. I was tired from the day and probably too strict with him. So my attempts to speed him up ended in an argument. Nothing serious, but and argument still. My wife came later than usual and arrived just in time for the showdown between the father and his six year old son.
After the kids were in bed, my wife retired to the living room and watched TV. I finished cleaning the kitchen and joined my wife. She did not speak with me during the entire evening. Later in bed, I asked whether she was upset at something.
What followed was a scolding like I have not received before, or at least not since I was a boy:
"You are not up to this!" she shouted "When I come home from work, I don't want to find a family at war! I am too tired to put up with you in this state! You should be ashamed at how you shouted at our poor son."
And so it went on for 15 minutes or more. I did not object nor did I argue. She was right. I was tired and had lost my temper. I told her that she was right. She did not answer.
There was a long silence. It felt awful. I felt awful! But at the same time I admired her. She was so strong and dominant. So beautiful. I felt the strong desire to be punished. I thought "give me good spanking and we will both feel better." I struggled whether I should tell her to punish me, or whether it will make things worse. After a long pause, I finally mustered the courage to tell her that she may punish me if she wished.
That was a mistake. Even as I spoke, I could feel the temperature drop far below the freezing point. She was furious. "Be careful", she said, "there is only a thin line between submitting and being despised. I have married a strong man and I need somebody to lean on." Her voice was strong and firm. She expected me to listen and obey. Her final words were something like "If you want me to decide, that's fine with me, but I won't have any role-plays outside the bedroom."
Needless to say that I was scared. Did I go to far? Did I break the very foundations our marriage is build on?
I spent the next day thinking about what had happened. If my wife does not want a wife-led marriage, I will respect that and stop my campaign. I bought her a big bouquet of flowers and decided to talk with her after the kids are in bed.

My wife arrived later than usual. When I gave her the flowers she was deeply moved. We kissed passionately and then she asked: "Didn't you get my e-mail?" "No, which e-mail?" - "I sent you a mail to apologize for last night and when you did not reply I was worried that you don't want to talk to me anymore." Now I was surprised. We kissed again and I told her that there was no reason for her to apologize. At night, we made love - it was wonderful.

When I woke up on Saturday, she was already awake. I started to kiss her - her cheeks, her neck. I wanted to be slow and tender. When I reached her breasts, she put her hand on my head and pushed me down. I was thrilled. She has never done something like this before! So I went down and pleasured her with my mouth. And to my great delight she used her pelvis to direct me to the right places. Also for the first time. She had me pleasure her for a long time and did not rush like so often. And when she finally gave me the signal to make her come, my mouth and tongue were sore and my erection painful.
After her orgasm she turned her back on me and relaxed. She had really used me for her pleasure. For a while, I had the impression she fell asleep again. It looked like she was going to deny me. I was about to get up, when she finally invited me to make love. I was more than happy to comply, but I was so excited that I came within seconds. It was bliss.

Then came breakfast and with it another surprise. My wife was telling our kids how to behave properly at the table and if they did not follow the rules, she would punish them. Then she added "and if Daddy doesn't follow the rules, I will punish him as well."
This was of course a joke. But it was significant, because she demonstrated her role as head of the family. Later the day she once more joked about punishing me if I misbehaved. She did not notice my erection.

After the kids were in bed, we had our romantic evening. I pampered her like I had planned on Thursday. We also found time to talk about our argument. I asked her if she despised me for being submissive, to which she replied:
"No of course not. I love you and you may serve me."
While we were talking, she was lying on the couch, while I was sitting on the floor next to her. I told her that I would like to be naked while she is dressed.
"Then undress!" she ordered me. I was in heaven. Just to make sure that she did not misinterpret this, I said: "You don't have to do anything, we can just sit and talk."
To this she smiled and said "I don't intend to do anything. You will fuck me now."
Whow! How long have I be waiting for something like this? But I don't know why, I was foolish enough to ask her "May I lick you before I do that?" She agreed. So I went down on her, but soon she made it clear that she wanted me. While we were making love, I continued to talk about our new type of relationship. How stupid of me, but Princess was very patient today. I tried to last longer, but she ordered me to come. When we make love, she wants me to be her unrestrained animal.
Later she told me that I should not talk so much during sex. She was very kind and gentle, like a mother to her child: "When we make love, don't tell me about all the other things you want to do. Just fuck me."
I replied that these were the only times when we could actually talk about sex and I promised not to do it again. Then she smiled at me and said "And never lick me when I tell you to fuck me." I am such an idiot!

The weekend continued to be wonderful. Sunday night, I was scolded once more, but this time for not doing the laundry the right way. Princess thought it was still too damp for the closet. So I spent the evening ironing, while she was chatting with her friend on the phone. Later, she apologized for being so strict, and again I told her that it is her right to so. In bed, I held her in my arms while she caressed me for a long time. I did not expect any intimacy, because we had plenty of sex in the morning and during the weekend. But when I expected her to turn around she started to touch me. With slow and tender strokes, she made me hot. She got up and kissed the tip of my penis while slowly stroking it. Then she took me deep into her mouth. Then out again. It was heaven. Her strokes became faster, now moving hand and mouth. I was desperate to come. She moved up again, my penis slowly sliding out of her mouth. Another kiss on my purple tip and then she drop it. My erection was throbbing helplessly.

"Do you want me to leave you like this, or should I continue?" she asked.

"Do what you want to do"

"Then I will leave you like this. Good night"

I wanted to beg her to continue, but this time I resisted. Instead I asked "How do you feel about this?"
She answered: "I don't need sex as often as you do, so I have no problem to deny you occasionally."