Shame on me

It is interesting how our expectations determine how we perceive an event or episode in our life. I am saying this, because of the nice comments I received on my last post.
In fact, during this episode, I could not fully enjoy the beauty of the moment, because I was so occupied with my own "script" for the session. I was constantly evaluating what Princess was doing. It is like watching a great movie and some voice inside your head keeps asking "how did they do this?".

Shame on me!

In retrospect, I realize that Princess is doing everything to please me. All she needs is an occasional night off, but all I am giving her is the feeling that she is not giving me enough!

Shame on me!

Today I read S's nice list of chores and I realized that Princess is doing much of this for me! How couldn't I notice?

For example, last Sunday she took both our kids out and I had the day just for me. It was the first time in months that I had the flat and the day just for me. I cleaned up a bit and then went for a nice long tour with my bicycle. But at the moment, I did not realize that Princess had arranged this for me. The original plan was that my son went to a birthday party of a friend. But then the friend's mother asked Princess to help out. Princess could just have gone, leaving our daughter with me. Instead, she took her along as well, giving me a day off.

Later, at night, she took initiative and gave me a wonderful blow-job. It was special, because she was obviously enjoying it as much as I did. She actually told me not to direct her in any way, because she wanted to "explore her desires". And this she did thoroughly.

Just before I came, she pulled away to watch me during my most private moment. And after I had recovered a bit, she reached for the tissues and cleaned me. She did it so tenderly and full of love, like a mother cleans her baby.

Is it possible that she wants to please me and to be at my service and that I simply don't know how to handle this?
I must re-focus on her desires - not so much on what I can do for her, but rather what I can be for her.

Do with me whatever you want!

When I woke up on Friday morning, we had a first. It was the first time that Princess started a conversation about our sex live.
It started with her body grinding against mine.
Slowly I awoke from my dreams from the feeling of her butt rubbing against my erection.
She turned around, looked into my sleepy eyes and said:
"I want to apologize -
I want to apologize for rejecting you so often.
I love you so much and it hurts me to leave you unsatisfied."

I gently touched her cheeks and kissed her. "I know." I whispered.

Her hands explored my body. My chest, my belly, my back and soon her hands found their way to my penis.
Her eyes focused on me again, digging deep into me, trying to read my thoughts. Her face was thoughtful. But only for a second. Then she said:
"You can do with me whatever you want."
"Everything?" I asked
"Everything!" she confirmed, "but you must also fuck me."

I felt a flush of love and happiness. My mind raced. What should I do with such an unexpected offer.

I undressed her and lay on top of her. I felt her skin. I smelled her scent. I entered her. I took her hard and fast, because this is what she needed. And while I made love to her, I held her face in my hands, kissing her mouth, nibbling on her lips.

Princess enjoyed what I was doing.
"I love when you take me like this. I love to be in your arms when you fuck me."
Her body confirmed what she had said: She became wet. Very wet. The sensation of entering her was incredible. Like diving into a tight hot pool. I brought her knees up against her chest and reached for her behind. With my hands I cupped her butt. It was wet as well. Her liquids were everywhere. My fingers probed her anus. With ease I slid inside. Deeper than ever before. I felt myself sliding in and out of her. I inserted a second finger. Would it fit? I had never done it before. She moaned with pleasure. Hopefully, she would not wake up the kids. For a moment I thought about anal sex. But we have never done it and I was not sure that it would work right away. Too great was the danger to spoil the moment and too great was her pleasure in what I was doing now. So I decided that this is enough for today.
I fucked her with two fingers deep inside her anus. It was so great just observing her pleasure that I almost forgot about my orgasm. Finally she begged me to make her cum and as soon as my tongue touched her pussy, she did. I re-entered her before her orgasm was over. She was even wetter than before. We were soaking with sweat and love. We were panting. No longer was I observing her. My mind was finally at rest and my primal instincts took over. I was just using her to provide the friction for my pleasure. I was grunting like an animal when I exploded. Breathless I collapsed on top of her.
After a few minutes Princess said "I feel so close to you now. Why don't we do this more often?"

Back again and lost

Our long vacation is over.
It is nice to be back again.

We are back at home and at least in bed we are back in wife-led mode.
Why? Because if I get to decide when we make love, I use every conceivable moment to do it.
For Princess this was simply too much. And curiously, it was too much for me, too.
I simply don't know what to do with my power to decide. I cannot use it wisely and with measure. Instead I jump at Princess whenever it is possible. Not because I want to, but because I can.

While we were at home, following our daily schedules, this was not a problem. But on vacation, where we saw each other every day, all day long, it became too much.

After two weeks of making love at least once a day, often twice, Princess became more and more upset. We discussed the issue, no, we had an argument over it. The argument ended without clear resolution.
Despite my inability to control myself, she still wanted me to decide when we are intimate, but not too often. How much is too often? I don't know. And she doesn't know. Inevitably, she will reject me sooner or later. But if I decide, I don't want to be rejected. I can't handle rejections when I am leading. I feel hurt and humiliated. I want to crawl back into slave mode immediately.
So I decided for myself to let her decide. I watch her body language and if I am 150% sure that she is in the mood, I will take initiative.

A few days later, when things had calmed down a bit, we talked everything over again, she surprised me with the offer that I still could make love to her any time (but not too often), and that I am still free to take anytime, even against her will. So no rejections, as long as I don't approach her too often?

So here i am, confused how we go on and without clear inner directive...