Thoughts

Princess now has a number of opportunities for a new job and her mood has improved accordingly.

I am now working out in the gym every other day and I am surprised how much energy I gain from this. Not only my physical, but also my mental strength seems to grow. It is much easier for me to handle the psychological ups and downs of my Princess.
At the same time, Princess is enjoying my new strength. She was the first to notice that I am much more patient and less moody since I started working out. Several times she mentioned that she is taking strength from my calm and (self-)confident behavior.

Some of you have commented, that Princess and I could take turns in leading our marriage, but as I see it now, there is little chance that this will work.

She sometimes reminds me of a little girl who needs the presence of her father to feel save. She does not want to be bossed around, she just needs to know that he is there to protect her. In his presence she can start to explore the world. But without him, she feels lost and alone.

In our bedroom things are improving as well. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, Princess enjoys a long and steady ... well ... fuck. In the past, I did not realize this, because I came far to quickly. Before she could "heat up", I was already cold again.
But now I get better and better in delaying my orgasm. I can now take her for such a long time that she is close to orgasm. Then, when I lick her she will climax almost immediately. I am not sure whether she is able to come from intercourse alone, but I can try.

Update II

I have decided to post more on my thought as I go through the day.

As I mentioned before, Princess is going through a very difficult phase. Being out of job drains a lot of her self confidence. Every evening when I come home from work, we spend one or two our just talking. With every sentence I can feel her self esteem coming back to life. This is of course encouraging, but it only last for the evening. The next day, we start from scratch. And as you can imagine, discussing the same things and the same arguments every night can become quite unnerving. I find it very difficult.

Sexually, there is no way I can demand anything from her right now. We are intimate every other day, but often it feels like she is just doing me to do me a favor. The funny thing is that mostly she initiates sex. That's why it is so difficult to tell her to relax. She then feels rejected. I am not complaining about too much sex, but I have the impression that Princess would feel better with a bit less.

There are also positive developments. A few weeks ago I started to work out in a local gym to improve my health and my body shape. I am now going three times a week. Working our, or any type of physical activity has a tremendous effect on me. I am more awake, more enthusiastic and much more balanced than before. Princess now want to start working out as well and I am sure that this will be good for her as well. First, she will get out of the house and second, regular exercise will put her mind on something new and hopefully will push her out of her lethargy.

Update

Like every other marriage, ours is progressing too. Princess is still out of job and this situation puts considerable strain on our relationship.

There is practically no other subject. Every evening, we discuss job opportunities and why this or that did not work out. For the last two month, sex has become a very minor issue. For her. But as much as I love and adore her, both my submissive and my dominant soul demand attention. Princess does need a lot of guidance and control, but in a very non-sexual way.

There are also positive signs. Last night, she told me that she is not pleased with our sex life as well. Yet at the moment she is so devoid of energy and initiative that I don't see how this will change any time soon...

In the meantime, I have started to work-out in the local gym. Lifting weights and pushing my physical boundaries helps me to relief most of my tension.

And I had the opportunity to witness a very interesting female-female conversation. We had a female friend over for dinner. she is successful in her job, but does not seem to find the right guy. Let's call her Mary. Mary is very intelligent, outgoing and lively. She knows how to handle men and how to make them play her game. I always thought that she is dominant, that she likes to control men. So while I was preparing dinner, Princess and Mary were discussing why it is so difficult to find a decent guy. Mary kept complaining that everybody she dates turns out to be very weak and that how much she desires a "real man" who is not in search for a mother.
I could understand what was happening. Her strong and self-confident behavior probably attracted submissive men and maybe amplified their submissive feelings. I guess few man are dominant enough to "fight her down". But apparently this is exactly what Mary is looking for: A man who is a match for her. A man who is at least as strong and as smart as she is.
Further along the conversation, both women had completely forgotten that I was present and they openly discussed their preferences regarding men. I learned that Mary as well as Princess actually despise submissive behavior.

Shame on me

It is interesting how our expectations determine how we perceive an event or episode in our life. I am saying this, because of the nice comments I received on my last post.
In fact, during this episode, I could not fully enjoy the beauty of the moment, because I was so occupied with my own "script" for the session. I was constantly evaluating what Princess was doing. It is like watching a great movie and some voice inside your head keeps asking "how did they do this?".

Shame on me!

In retrospect, I realize that Princess is doing everything to please me. All she needs is an occasional night off, but all I am giving her is the feeling that she is not giving me enough!

Shame on me!

Today I read S's nice list of chores and I realized that Princess is doing much of this for me! How couldn't I notice?

For example, last Sunday she took both our kids out and I had the day just for me. It was the first time in months that I had the flat and the day just for me. I cleaned up a bit and then went for a nice long tour with my bicycle. But at the moment, I did not realize that Princess had arranged this for me. The original plan was that my son went to a birthday party of a friend. But then the friend's mother asked Princess to help out. Princess could just have gone, leaving our daughter with me. Instead, she took her along as well, giving me a day off.

Later, at night, she took initiative and gave me a wonderful blow-job. It was special, because she was obviously enjoying it as much as I did. She actually told me not to direct her in any way, because she wanted to "explore her desires". And this she did thoroughly.

Just before I came, she pulled away to watch me during my most private moment. And after I had recovered a bit, she reached for the tissues and cleaned me. She did it so tenderly and full of love, like a mother cleans her baby.

Is it possible that she wants to please me and to be at my service and that I simply don't know how to handle this?
I must re-focus on her desires - not so much on what I can do for her, but rather what I can be for her.

Do with me whatever you want!

When I woke up on Friday morning, we had a first. It was the first time that Princess started a conversation about our sex live.
It started with her body grinding against mine.
Slowly I awoke from my dreams from the feeling of her butt rubbing against my erection.
She turned around, looked into my sleepy eyes and said:
"I want to apologize -
I want to apologize for rejecting you so often.
I love you so much and it hurts me to leave you unsatisfied."

I gently touched her cheeks and kissed her. "I know." I whispered.

Her hands explored my body. My chest, my belly, my back and soon her hands found their way to my penis.
Her eyes focused on me again, digging deep into me, trying to read my thoughts. Her face was thoughtful. But only for a second. Then she said:
"You can do with me whatever you want."
"Everything?" I asked
"Everything!" she confirmed, "but you must also fuck me."

I felt a flush of love and happiness. My mind raced. What should I do with such an unexpected offer.

I undressed her and lay on top of her. I felt her skin. I smelled her scent. I entered her. I took her hard and fast, because this is what she needed. And while I made love to her, I held her face in my hands, kissing her mouth, nibbling on her lips.

Princess enjoyed what I was doing.
"I love when you take me like this. I love to be in your arms when you fuck me."
Her body confirmed what she had said: She became wet. Very wet. The sensation of entering her was incredible. Like diving into a tight hot pool. I brought her knees up against her chest and reached for her behind. With my hands I cupped her butt. It was wet as well. Her liquids were everywhere. My fingers probed her anus. With ease I slid inside. Deeper than ever before. I felt myself sliding in and out of her. I inserted a second finger. Would it fit? I had never done it before. She moaned with pleasure. Hopefully, she would not wake up the kids. For a moment I thought about anal sex. But we have never done it and I was not sure that it would work right away. Too great was the danger to spoil the moment and too great was her pleasure in what I was doing now. So I decided that this is enough for today.
I fucked her with two fingers deep inside her anus. It was so great just observing her pleasure that I almost forgot about my orgasm. Finally she begged me to make her cum and as soon as my tongue touched her pussy, she did. I re-entered her before her orgasm was over. She was even wetter than before. We were soaking with sweat and love. We were panting. No longer was I observing her. My mind was finally at rest and my primal instincts took over. I was just using her to provide the friction for my pleasure. I was grunting like an animal when I exploded. Breathless I collapsed on top of her.
After a few minutes Princess said "I feel so close to you now. Why don't we do this more often?"