Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why I blog?

This post is a response to some comments on Susan's Pet's blog.
Why do we blog? Why do I blog?

Of course I do enjoy the weekly statistics of my blog. I love the comments. But most of all, I write for myself.

I blog, because I like to write in English, which is obviously not my mother tongue.
I blog, because writing my thoughts down helps me to stay focused.

After I write an entry, things are clearer to me than they were before, and often I feel tempted to retract the post, because suddenly everything seems much clearer and simpler.
Writing is thinking.

When I started this blog, I did not expect anybody to be interested in my musings. But when I see how many people per day stay on my blog for longer than two minutes, I feel gratified.

I love the comments, but I have noticed that the more unrefined a post is, the more comments I get. If you give all the answers, why would anybody comment at all? This encourages me to post more and polish less :-)

Depression

When I returned home, we chatted a bit and then I told her that I want to make love to her. Without hesitation, she stripped naked and we made love for a long time. It usually takes her a while to get into the "flow", but if I last long enough, I can fuck her into heaven. I can see it in her face. All tension is gone. Her face is sheer beauty.
When we were done, she fell asleep instantly, as if my absence had also deprived her of rest and sleep.

What I did not know then was that during my absence, Princess had slipped into depression. She has recently lost her job and understandably, this was a blow on her self-confidence. When I returned from home the following day, I could immediately see that Princess was deeply depressed. The apartment was a complete mess. Breakfast was still on the table and heaps of fresh laundry, waiting to be ironed were everywhere.

Princess pampered me a bit, by bringing me food and a cold beer and then went away to clean up the flat. I was upset, because I wanted some special time with my Princess. Obviously she had spent her day rather unproductive and now, when I wanted her, she was busy cleaning up. And later in bed, Princess was exhausted and wanted to sleep. She was responsive to my intimate caressing, and I could have taken her, but I was so obvious that she needed sleep, that I let her.

For the following day, I gave Princess clear instructions on how to spend her day. I made it clear that when I come home from work, I expect her undivided attention. She did not complain that I ordered her around. Rather she was accepting my orders by simple "Yes" and "I understand".

Obviously there was no reason to be nervous. Especially after her job-loss Princess wants a firm hand that guides her. A strong shoulder to lean on. She wants assurance that she is loved and the security that I take care of her.

What worries me a bit is, that she actually needs a strong partner. There is no room for me to be weak. I must be strong all the time, so she can be happy.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Life and fantasy

There is still a difference between fantasy and real life.
Last night Princess sent me an email, taking back much of what we had agreed on.
While she likes an occasional "role-play", she writes, she feels that submitting totally to me is not what she wants.
Princess thinks she is too passive in bed anyway and if she hands the reign over to me entirely, she will become even more passive.

That may indeed be. She has never been the one who starts a steamy love-making session. By now I have accepted it, but if she becomes more active, I am the last one to complain.

"Lets talk things over when you're back home" were her last words.

Tomorrow I am flying back home. Let's see what will happen. I am nervous.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

One step further...

It is now almost two months since things have turned around. Two months since I am head of the house. Two months in which Princess was so eager to fulfill my wishes.

We are two submissive minds. So alike, but yet so different.

I am away from home on a business trip. Enough time to think about my marriage and my feelings. Time to think about my desire to make my wife happy. My desire to surrender my wishes so Princess can have hers.

On the plane I tried to sleep. But instead I fell into this strange state where you are neither asleep nor awake. Vivid sexual fantasies flushed my brain. Incoherent pieces of violent sex with Princess and other women. I was immersed in a world lust without limits. I was feasting in a mental "all you can fuck" buffet. I was not aware of it until I woke up. But all the time, I was strangely aware of my painful erection. It pressed hard against my belly. Its heat radiated through my entire body.

I can't remember how long I slept, but when I woke up I was soaking wet. Fortunately the seat next to me was vacant. My erection would not subside. Only then did I remembered what I had dreamed. I was shocked and confused. I went to the bathroom to restore myself. There I noticed the semen that was dripping from of my penis. I don't think I ever had such a vivid dream.

I spent the rest of the trip thinking about our marriage and I realized that I start to enjoy my role. I enjoy controlling her. I enjoy watching her. I enjoy the pleasure she gets out of being fucked. I enjoy the freedom and control over my own sexuality.

But I also realized that something is still missing. If Princess wants me to be in charge, it should be on my terms. Otherwise it does not feel right. I noticed that as soon as Princess is contradicting any of my wishes, I fall back into submissive mode. I become her servant again. It is the role that I would prefer, but that she does not like.

So if I am to be in charge, I must learn to stand my ground and she must acknowledge my authority. Princess must officially declare her surrender to me as her husband. She must empower me to be her master.

When I arrived at my hotel, I wrote a long email to Princess, essentially writing what I have written here. I told her that I enjoyed the current state, but that I feel unsure how we should continue. Carefully I asked her if she would like to be my "property". If she would be willing to obey my orders, to serve me and to treat me respectfully as her owner. In return I offered her to take full responsibility for her well being.

I read the mail once more and realized how self centered it was. A long list of her duties, what she must do for me without complaint, and how she must demonstrate her submission to me in everyday life. I thought it over. I deleted the mail. Retrieved it again. Thought once more and decided that this is what Princess wants.

After I had sent the mail, I was anxious for her reply. I knew that she does not check her private mail regularly, maybe once a day.
I found her response the next morning. It was short:
"Since you are in charge I am much happier that before. I would love to be your property. You are my life!"

I can't properly describe my first reaction to her clear message. I expected a long letter of mixed statements. The best words to describe my feelings are love and responsibility.

So we are entering a new stage. I am not sure how much of this will work out. And I am also nervous. Will I live up to my part of the promise. Will Princess will keep her part of the deal when we are back in the daily routine?

Right now I am very proud and enjoy my role - more than I expected. For all my friends who try to establish a WLM, this my be encouraging.
Domination can be fun. To see and experience how Princess enjoys it, it is deeply satisfying for me. It makes me proud to serve her this way.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Self-control

The last weeks have been very hard for Princess. She was working long hours and did not sleep very well at night. I decided to give her some rest.
Last night, Princess was still very tired, but she felt obliged to give me at least a hand job. I really appreciate her eagerness to please me, but I decided that is is better for her to sleep.
She thanked me and fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning, we woke up before the alarm clock and we used the time to cuddle and caress each other. She enjoyed it very much and proposed that we make love before we get up.
As a foreplay, I went down on her. Princess enjoyed my attention and moved her hips and pelvis to guide my tongue to the right places.
After a while she reminded me that I should stop now if we still want to make love. If I continue, she will come, but there won't be any more time for making love. If we make love now, I will come, but there won't be anymore time for her pleasure. Her orgasm or mine. I decided for hers.

Princess soon rewarded me with a strong orgasm. Then she relaxed. All the signs of stress and tension were gone from her face. She was calm and beautiful.
I didn't have an orgasm. I still enjoy my arousal which has not lost its intensity.

Self control is difficult, but it gives you pride and self confidence.
I know now that I can control both of us for our mutual pleasure.

Friday, June 6, 2008

You must learn to trust me

Last night we were lying in bed and Princess started to touch me. I was very aroused. First, because I did not have an orgasms for some time.
But mostly, because she wanted to please me, although she was tired.

I gently stroke her back while she was in my arms.
"You are my little sex toy" I whispered in her ear.
Usually, she responds something affirmative, but not tonight.
She said: "Urmel, tonight I am too tired and exhausted for this kind of games."

-- Ouch!

This turned me off. Although she continued to stimulate me, I did not want to come anymore. I though, if I let her continue, she is ruling and not me. She would not want that. If I come now, my orgasm is wasted. It will be rushed. Neither of us will enjoy it.
Moreover, I thought, if she is not interested in the role she chose for herself, there is no point in going any further.
I had lost all interest in making love and with it my erection.

Princess noticed that I was suddenly limp as a wet cloth and she asked if anything was wrong.
"What you have just said really turned me off. I think we better stop." I answered.

"I am sorry. I am just very tired."

"I will not use you, when you are exhausted like this. If you want me to be in charge, you must learn to trust me. Sleep now!"

She thanked me, kissed me good night and fell asleep at once.

I am glad and proud that I said no although I could have had it. I said no, because I knew it would not be good. Only good sex is the key to more and better sex.

I am responsible that we only have sex when we both enjoy it. Otherwise, we will fall back into old patterns, where Princess perceived sex as a burden.

When we woke up next morning, we were both relaxed and really enjoyed our intimacy.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Our reversal of roles

For the last weeks, I am the head of the bedroom. I decide when we have sex. I decide how we have sex. Whatever I decide, Princess is very eager to please me. You can imagine that we have had a lot of sex lately.

What I don't understand so far is why this works. In the past, we often quarreled about sex. She complained that it was too much. Now we have even more sex and seems very happy with my high sex drive. Suddenly she is so eager to pleasure me that I can't believe it. Why?

Maybe it was our WLM experiment that changed her mind. Maybe my confessions made her think about her own desires. I thought that she wanted to be in control; that she wanted to decide when and how we have sex. Probably my wishes were father of the thought, who knows, but in the end I was wrong. Our WLM experiment lasted only four months. Princess did not like it.

Maybe there is another reason as well. In the past, I was always very polite when it came to sex: "Would you like to make love?" or "Would you like blow me?". I was very defensive. And the more problems we had, the more defensive and I became.
"Please let us make love."
In the end I was begging more than anything else. And the more I begged, the less sex we had. I guess she was simply put off by this. The problem was not the amount of sex, but the amount of begging.

Recently Princess told me that in bed she doesn't want to be asked. So now I just tell her what I want: "Tonight I will use you" or "Suck me until I come." She seems to get most of her satisfaction from giving me pleasure. Of course I must make sure that she gets what she needs. But I must be very subtle, because she doesn't want me to do something for her pleasure only. She needs the feeling that I take her for my pleasure only. If I ask her whether she likes what we are doing, I destroy this feeling.
Princess needs to be fucked. I know that now. So I fuck her often. Much more often than before and much harder than before.

Princess has become my sex toy and she tells me she loves it. But like with every toy, I must take care not to break it. I am responsible for her and she trusts me. Being responsible means that I must put her well being before my mine. If she is too tired, I must decide that we won't have sex, even if I wanted it. Being responsible means that I know her well enough to know her limits. I can push these limits, but I must know where to stop. I must also decide when we don't have sex and these are the most difficult decisions. Self-control and patience are not my virtues. She makes it easy to control her, but is much harder to control myself.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Behind the wheel


My little girl
Drive anywhere
Do what you want
I don't care

Tonight
I'm in the hands of fate
I hand myself
Over on a plate

Now

Oh little girl
There are times when I feel
I rather not be
The one behind the wheel

Come
Pull my strings
Watch me move
I do anything

Please

Sweet little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
And me the passenger

Drive
I'm yours to keep
Do what you want
I'm going cheap

Tonight

You're behind the wheel, tonight

- Depeche Mode -

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Quiz result

Just for fun, I took the BDSM Quiz today. Here is the result. It seems there is hope. According to the analysis I am as much dominant than I am submissive. Good to know I thought.

Watching or being watched is an arousing notion to you. There are many reasons why people enjoy this fetish. Being uncomfortable. Feeling guilty. Appreciation. For some it could simply be sex in public because there is a fear of getting caught. Either way, it turns you on. The best venue for this would be group sex. If you enjoy watching you would be considered a voyeur. If you would rather be watched you are an exhibitionist. Although, most of the time, both fetishes go hand-in-hand.
Exhibitionist / Voyeur

93%
Experimental

86%
Sadist

86%
Degradation Lover

82%
Switch

79%
Dominant

79%
Bondage

75%
Submissive

68%
Masochist

61%
Vanilla

11%